Harder days

I mistakenly thought that I had prepared myself for all of the awful reminders that were possible. I knew I would get a lot of people congratulating me because they had not heard the bad news yet. I know that there are still some congratulations out there. I feel somewhat prepared for that...it's never easy, but I can handle it. I really believed that my devious mind had already thought through every horrible incident that was possible. I really believed that until yesterday.

I was in my cubicle trying to focus and work when my cell phone rang. I answered it and they asked for Mrs. Kashuba. When I clarified that I was Mrs. Kashuba, they reminded me of an appointment we had made for Jesse. I was shocked and embarrassed to have to answer back, "We don't have them anymore." I quickly got off the phone and after a few deep sighs and prayers went back to work. I think I actually forgot all about it after only 5 minutes or so...that was until about an hour ago. I answered my phone only to be reminded of Conner's 4 month check-up, which is scheduled for tomorrow.

Now why in the world did these 2 calls have to come less than 24 hours apart? I will never understand the timing of everything. The call yesterday is one thing, but the one this morning...YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

It's amazing how much I had already planned ahead in our life together. The first doctor's visit went so badly...Conner screamed the whole time. I had already planned that there was no way I could take both of them by myself. Michael was for sure going to take off of work for this appointment. Conner was supposed to get more shots.

We have a couple of parties that have been scheduled for a while coming up. I had already thought through what it would look like to bring the boys with us...naps, feedings, etc. I just want to hurry and get to the point where I have not already included the boys in my plans. Every time one of these events comes up I am reminded of what I lost and I am sad.

I miss those boys. Not everyday brings such reminders, though. There are hard days and harder days. Today is just a harder day, but who knows maybe tomorrow will be full of sunshine, laughter, pretty flowers, puppies, and cute earrings...some of my favorite things!

Amanda