So I had a dream the other night that I got the call telling me they have found our kids! It was the best dream ever. I so did not want to wake up! In the dream, they told me that we were getting 2 twin boy 2 year olds. I was so excited I could feel my heart beating in my throat. The dream was so crazy...they actually told me the names of the boys. I can't remember what the first name was, but I remember thinking that I really liked it. And the second name was Tyson. I had already decided in my dream that we would just call him Ty. When I awoke from this exciting dream, my heart was still beating so hard and I could not stop smiling. Oh, I am so excited for the day they actually call me. It was 4am when I woke up, and I could not go back to sleep at all. I got up and decided that God wanted me to be awake, so I went into the living room to pray for our kids.
Names are such a big deal to me. It has been quite a process for me...learning to be okay with a name that I may not choose. People ask me all the time, "Are you going to change their name?". My answer is always the same, "It depends on how old they are and how terrible the name is.". And that is still my answer. It's just that I really don't want to change the name. I don't want to take it away from them. Their name could be the only gift they ever get from their biological parents. We will change their middle names, and of course, their last name. My prayer right now is that when I do hear their names, I immediately feel like that is the right name. That way I would not even want to change their name. We'll see though...I am open to changing the names or not changing the names.
Another name that came into my head randomly, like 4-5 months ago, was Maleah. I have no idea where it came from, just like Tyson. I have never even heard of anyone named Maleah. It's so weird. All I know is that if I get a call for a Maleah and Tyson, I will wet my pants right there!
Seriously though, I really think that all of this is just teaching me more and more about how I can let go of some of my fantasy notions of what parenthood will be like. I can let go and it doesn't have to be a sad thing. I can let go because I know that what God has planned for me is far greater than anything I could ever dream up. And I am not only letting go of things, I am gaining some even grander things. I am not trading down. I am trading up! God's way is always better!
We never know how or when God is going to answer our prayers. I think most of us have a pretty good understanding that God does things in His time, not in ours. We fuss and moan and sometimes trust, but we know that in His time He will answer. I think our problem is that we are expecting one thing and He may never answer in the very way we expect. It's just like the Israelites. They were waiting for the Messiah to come and they expected him to be a warrior. So when Christ came on a donkey (of all things) and spoke of love and forgiveness and then chose death to save all of us, many did not believe he was the Messiah. God sent the Messiah, but He didn't look or act like they thought He would so many missed Him. How many prayers are answered and we just miss them completely?
Michael and I could have never dreamed of all that is happening to us right now through this adoption process. I was going to bear children that we would name and we would have them from their very first breath...oh and they would look just like us. These are just a few of the things we expected. And these are not bad things to expect. This is usually the way things go down, but sometimes among God's many blessings there is a suprise waiting! We serve a creative God! He doesn't always answer prayers in a usual way. He answers prayers in the best way possible--because He loves us so much!
So many of our prayers have already been answered. I can't wait to see what God's going to do next!
We are still not officially approved. We should be in the next two weeks or so. Thanks for your constant support!