Hope Junkie

I think I have decided that false hope is better than no hope at all, at least for a hope junkie such as myself...at least in this world. I would not recommend relying on false hope for your salvation. My hope for salvation is solid and secure because of Jesus. I am talking about hope in our circumstances. I rely on hope everyday. I am too much of an optimist to settle for no hope at all. Hope for a family, hope for the home we will do life in, hope for what adventures God has in store for us...all kinds of hope really. My belief that God will one day bless us with children is what allows me to keep on going. If I did not really believe that, then I don't think I would be able to get out of bed most days. See, my greatest ambition in life is to serve God well by being a wife and mother...and by doing whatever else He asks me to do. There have not been too many moments in my journey through infertility and now through adoption where I lost all hope for my future family. The down side of being such a hope junkie is that in a moment where all hope is gone, the burden can be unbearable. The up side is that I don't stay in that place for very long. I will find hope in almost any circustance.
The truth is that the only hope we can rely on is the hope we have in Jesus. The work He did on the cross paves the way for us to have eternal life if we accept his free gift. I know this to be true. "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" Matthew 16:26 As good and wonderful as my dreams for a family may be, they are ultimately dreams for this world. At this point in my life I do believe that God has called Michael and I to adoption and that God wants to use it to bless us and our children, but his ways are greater than my ways. I do not pretend to understand what He is doing in my life or in anyone else's life. I praise Him, not because He gives me good gifts, but because He is God!
I also believe that God does provide, in his graciousness, hope in our circumstances. He doesn't have to. We don't deserve it, but sometimes He brings it anyways. Several times in the last month and a half, I have felt myself slip into the pit of no hope. The night before Jesse and Conner came to our house, I was there. The very next day we got those sweet boys. He brought me hope when I needed it. Now I know it all ended suddenly. They were not meant to provide me with my long-term dream for a family. They gave me a precious taste of motherhood. They provided me with some needed hope. It did not take us long to pick ourselves up after the boys were taken, mainly because of the hope we have for our family...our kids who are still out there. But then after being back on the list for over 2 weeks and hearing nothing, I was starting to feel hopeless again. That was yesterday. I had a meltdown with some sweet friends and then within an hour we got a call on some more kids. Nothing is official yet. I do not know if these are our kids, but God knew I needed hope and He provided. He is so gracious! God let me always remember how you provide in this world and let me always remember my solid hope in Jesus! When you feel hopeless, start looking for that little spark of hope. Our God is a god of HOPE! "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

much love,
amanda