I never doubted that I would one day be a mother. Never. Not one time did I actually believe that Michael and I would not be parents. It was so clear to me that we would. In my mind I always knew that adoption was absolutely an option for us with or without infertility.
Parenthood would happen. We just didn't know how. But at the same time, any number of other circumstances could have occurred that would not allow for us to even adopt. Why then, so much faith that it would be? I have no idea where that came from...if it was pure or out of ignorance, but here's what I do know...WE ARE PARENTS NOW. Faith came before the blessing.
And we still desire to conceive. But do I have that same faith? Should I? No and I don't know. The sovereignty of God!!! He does what He wants. With or without faith, He still does or doesn't intervene. We can't understand His ways.
But so many times in scripture faith does come before a blessing. Sometimes the blessing is given to increase our faith. Sometimes it is given mercifully when faith is not present at all. Most intriguing to me right now, it seems sometimes He is motivated to bless out of the precious faith of the individual...the bleeding woman, the woman with the demon-possessed daughter (both found in Matthew). In Matthew 17:14-21 the disciples asked Jesus why they were not able to heal the man's son. And Jesus replies, "Because you have so little faith...".
My situation has had me so focused on the sovereignty of God that I have lost sight of the role of faith. Do I think that if I start believing I will conceive, that I will? No. First of all, I can't make myself believe. I'm not fooling anyone...positive thinking is total crap. It is the work of the Holy Spirit for me to believe more. But it is possible if my belief is real! Anything is with God! I am so not going to write Him off!
I don't know what His plans are for me. I do want to ask Him for more faith. More faith is pleasing to Him. Not asking for more faith, so that I can get what I want. I actually believe that if I start asking for more faith, I may start wanting totally different things....like I may start wanting what He wants more, whatever that is. And though, I will never be so in tune with Him that my heart will desire the same things as Him. I can grow in my faith and become, by His grace, more in tune with Him. And I do desire that regardless of any blessings that more faith could bring.
Faith and blessing go hand in hand. My Sovereign God loves me. Two truths not to be separated.
Mostly inspired by Beth Moore's Believing God,