Yesterday was one week since we said good-bye to Jesse and Conner. We will never see them again in this life, but we will continue to pray for them as long as we live. We believe that the love we shared with Jesse and Conner, for almost three weeks, mattered for eternity. I was talking to a great friend right after we got the boys about my fears of losing them and what that would do to me. It makes you want to hold back your love in some way to protect your own heart until the adoption is final. She understood my fears and listened to me for a long time and then she said, "No matter what happens, God would never want anyone to withold love from a little child". She said, "He will always bless you for loving". And so I decided that night on my couch that I was going to love them with all I had and my God was big enough to heal even the most broken of hearts. They were mine for almost three weeks. I was a mommy for almost three weeks. And it was pretty amazing. And my God is big enough to heal my broken heart. He has already begun. God will never waste love.
As most of you know, I am such a people person. After last weekend, being so sad and staying home, I knew it was time for me to be with people again. I went to the Women's Bible Study on Tuesday morning at my church. We are doing the 5 Love Languages this summer. It was really great for me to be there for lots of reasons, but the teaching that morning was of particular significance to me. We were learning about acts of service which is so not my love language. (I am quality time all the way.) We were shocked to find out on Wednesday at 3:30pm that we would not be keeping the boys forever like we intended to. Thursday at 3:30pm the boys were picked up from our house and that was the last time we saw them. In that 24 hour period I learned more about acts of service than I have learned in all of my 27 years. I think most mother's understand this love language pretty well. I mean mother's are constantly serving those that they love. I think the reason those last 24 hours stand out so much to me is because until we got that call we were serving the boys and serving ourselves. We have prayed and prayed for a family and so this felt like the biggest blessing to us...to be able to bathe and feed and serve these children, our children, was an answer to prayer. We felt completely and entirely loved by God and so our love was not completely self-less. But when we knew we would lose them and we still had to take care of all of their needs and give them the same love we had been giving. That was the greatest act of service I have ever and probably will ever give. I have never felt so completely self-less in anything I have ever done. It was excruciating to love them, knowing we would lose them. I prayed the entire 24 hours I think...just for strength to die to myself...to put my feelings aside for the good of Jesse and Conner. We are all capable of so much more than we allow for God to cultivate in us. I pray that I never forget what I am capable of because of the power of Jesus Christ in me. "Serve one another in love." Galatians 5:13 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23-24
Life is hard, but God is good! We are back on the list, waiting for another chance to love a child...and waiting for God to answer our prayers for a family. With God, there is always hope. Let us never forget where we have been.