Being Myself

It is so hard for me to just be myself...

Especially in situations where I don't know anyone. I am scared I will be too loud. I am scared I will be too crazy. I am scared to make a mistake. I am scared of being intimidating and stand-offish. I am scared of being too outgoing and open right away. I am scared I will talk too much. I am scared of appearing not altogether as a mother. So many fears!

The thing is, I am at times too loud, too crazy, intimidating, stand-offish, too outgoing, too open, and I never have it altogether as a mother! Why do I even try for that one? I absolutely talk too much! I am a flawed person. These things are a part of me whether I like it or not. And these things do not always please. Nothing I do, or anyone else does, can or will please everyone.

Finding new community is hard. I am focusing on 'being myself'. Even when I feel totally exposed and vulnerable and like they may not like what they see....it is me they are seeing. And I am just Amanda. And I screw up every day, all day. But I do love Jesus with my whole heart.

And He loves me.

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So far, so good. Being myself is hard for me...hard, not impossible. I do have to be intentional to be myself though...it doesn't come naturally. Go figure!

Enjoying the new church. We became members a couple of weeks ago. Really excited to get on board with the pastor and his vision. This is exactly what we prayed for!

Faith and Blessing

I never doubted that I would one day be a mother. Never. Not one time did I actually believe that Michael and I would not be parents. It was so clear to me that we would. In my mind I always knew that adoption was absolutely an option for us with or without infertility.

Parenthood would happen. We just didn't know how. But at the same time, any number of other circumstances could have occurred that would not allow for us to even adopt. Why then, so much faith that it would be? I have no idea where that came from...if it was pure or out of ignorance, but here's what I do know...WE ARE PARENTS NOW. Faith came before the blessing.

And we still desire to conceive. But do I have that same faith? Should I? No and I don't know. The sovereignty of God!!! He does what He wants. With or without faith, He still does or doesn't intervene. We can't understand His ways.

But so many times in scripture faith does come before a blessing. Sometimes the blessing is given to increase our faith. Sometimes it is given mercifully when faith is not present at all. Most intriguing to me right now, it seems sometimes He is motivated to bless out of the precious faith of the individual...the bleeding woman, the woman with the demon-possessed daughter (both found in Matthew). In Matthew 17:14-21 the disciples asked Jesus why they were not able to heal the man's son. And Jesus replies, "Because you have so little faith...".

My situation has had me so focused on the sovereignty of God that I have lost sight of the role of faith. Do I think that if I start believing I will conceive, that I will? No. First of all, I can't make myself believe. I'm not fooling anyone...positive thinking is total crap. It is the work of the Holy Spirit for me to believe more. But it is possible if my belief is real! Anything is with God! I am so not going to write Him off!

I don't know what His plans are for me. I do want to ask Him for more faith. More faith is pleasing to Him. Not asking for more faith, so that I can get what I want. I actually believe that if I start asking for more faith, I may start wanting totally different things....like I may start wanting what He wants more, whatever that is. And though, I will never be so in tune with Him that my heart will desire the same things as Him. I can grow in my faith and become, by His grace, more in tune with Him. And I do desire that regardless of any blessings that more faith could bring.

Faith and blessing go hand in hand. My Sovereign God loves me. Two truths not to be separated.

Mostly inspired by Beth Moore's Believing God,

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Counting to 1,000

It seems like Brett started getting really excited about counting super high when he was 4 1/2...Kaylie has followed that same pattern and Chad probably did too, but I didn't get sweet Chad until he had already turned 5. By that point he already knew how to count to 1,000.

So, today at lunch Kaylie was talking about how high she could count. She said she could count to 20 and didn't know how to count any higher than that. I explained that she could count higher if she wanted because its just like counting 1-10. Brett showed her for a while and then she had the hang of it. She was so proud and surprised to know that she actually could count way higher than she thought. I remember that moment with Brett, too. It's so cute how they follow in each other's footsteps!

Brett bragged that he could count to 1,000 and Kaylie was very excited to hear that and asked Brett to do it for her. I guess she forgot that about a year ago he did this almost every morning in the car...or at least as high as he could get before we got to school. I can only assume that Kaylie might be motivated to practice her counting for a while too...just like Brett did.

Anyways, Brett agreed to count to 1,000 for her. It went something like this:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16-thats when I get to drive, 17, 18. And then I started laughing when I realized what he had said. I especially laughed at how he just kept right on trucking through the rest of the numbers. He smiled that Brett smile at me and winked as he kept going. I love that he is already counting down to when he can drive...such a boy!

He has been winking lately. His new trademark. And, ladies, it will melt your heart. He was having some trouble listening on Tuesday mornings with his new teachers. So, I told the teachers to please hold him accountable by telling me if he was not listening the first time. I also gave them some pointers on handling my middle man because he can be a little tricky, but that's beside the point. Anyways, I stopped by during the break to check on his progress. I was ready to give him a quick 'pep talk' to get him back on track if needed. I leaned into his room and said, "How's it going?" They said to my delight, "Brett is making really good choices today!". I happily looked over at him and said, "Good job, buddy!". To which he gave only a smile and a wink. It was classic Brett and I will remember that look forever.

Another funny side note:

We were eating lunch when all of this counting was going on and my mind started to wonder to Chad and how he was doing today. God is really moving in him right now and I am often reminded to pray for him throughout the day. Well the Spirit moved and I felt the need to pray for Chad, so I interrupted Brett at 119 to see if he and Kaylie wanted to pray with me for Chad. They agreed, but Brett vocalized frustration at possibly having to start back at number 1. I assured him that we would remember where he was and he could start at 120 when we were done. Heads bowed. I prayed. And the second I said 'Amen' Brett continued 121, 122, 123.....and gave me that same smile and wink.

I love these kids!

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