Today I was reminded of why I stopped writing on my blog (besides the whole 3 kids thing). It's just too easy to write a blog about God, instead of actually spending time with Him. I think I took a step back from blogging in order to assess my heart in it.
I also think this is true about great conversation/discussion about God. Those conversations serve to spur us along and inspire us towards God, but nothing truly great can happen in our relationship with God unless we are alone with him...no computer, no one else. I think we all want some kind of sympathy vote or something. Like the most wise, valuable counselor is not enough. The only one who can actually do anything about anything is God and yet we desire a human audience to make us feel...well, understood.
I am not knocking fellowship and wise counsel from other believers at all. I have friends that have served me well in this capacity. But we could all stand to give it a second thought. When we think we really need to talk to someone here on earth about life, stress, frustrations, etc....have we even talked to God about it?
We talk about Him all the time, but are we talking to Him?
a
Walking Wounded
I am going through the book Conversations on Purpose with a friend right now and can I just say it is kicking my hiney! This book just really makes you work through a lot of stuff that is not super fun to work through. I actually consider myself a pretty self-aware person, but this takes it to a whole new level.
Today's chapter was titled 'Unearthing Blockades to Your Purposes'. Sounds delightful, right? There were four topics in this chapter: motives, fear, grief, and mistaken thinking. The sections I found particularly unsettling were fear and mistaken thinking. I am not sure I love discovering all of my weird fears, not to mention the mistaken thinking.
I feel far more screwed up than I did before I read through those lists...I knew I was a little screwed up. The author even recommended us at the beginning of the book to 'trust the process'...I never actually thought I would hear those words for real. And after realizing today that one of the parts of my mistaken thinking is 'Don't trust anyone', I am sure my skeptical heart will have a hard time 'trusting the process'.
Life is funny, though...I finished that chapter on all those gross, hard things...woke B and K up, got them in the van and headed for the carpool line to get Chaddy from kindergarten. Life goes on, even when we are walking wounded. I found myself looking around at all the other mini-van moms wondering if they could tell what my fears were by looking at me....heeheehee. And I also wondered what they had learned about themselves lately. How could anybody do life without Jesus?...that's what I was wondering...
a
Today's chapter was titled 'Unearthing Blockades to Your Purposes'. Sounds delightful, right? There were four topics in this chapter: motives, fear, grief, and mistaken thinking. The sections I found particularly unsettling were fear and mistaken thinking. I am not sure I love discovering all of my weird fears, not to mention the mistaken thinking.
I feel far more screwed up than I did before I read through those lists...I knew I was a little screwed up. The author even recommended us at the beginning of the book to 'trust the process'...I never actually thought I would hear those words for real. And after realizing today that one of the parts of my mistaken thinking is 'Don't trust anyone', I am sure my skeptical heart will have a hard time 'trusting the process'.
Life is funny, though...I finished that chapter on all those gross, hard things...woke B and K up, got them in the van and headed for the carpool line to get Chaddy from kindergarten. Life goes on, even when we are walking wounded. I found myself looking around at all the other mini-van moms wondering if they could tell what my fears were by looking at me....heeheehee. And I also wondered what they had learned about themselves lately. How could anybody do life without Jesus?...that's what I was wondering...
a
More than just a mommy
I am thankful for infertility in so many ways. It was the first really bad thing to ever happen to me. It helped me understand this sinful world and my loving God, and how those two somehow work together in an amazing way. Motherhood was my biggest dream. My ultimate ambition...fall in love, get married, stay happily married forever, and raise children in a Godly home.
As I realized that motherhood, for me, was not going to come quickly and may never come, I crumbled. Everything I had ever hoped for was wrapped up in the idea that I would be a mother...everything. After years of wrestling through all of this with God, I came away a different person...a better person. I still wanted and hoped for the family I had long desired, but I also wanted and hoped to be and do whatever He wanted. Somehow through all of the tears and anger and searching scripture and crying out for justice, I realized my own sin. I realized what I expected of God was for Him to fix my problems, instead of fixing me. I was the one who needed fixing, still do.
I am a mother now, by the grace of God. We have adopted 3 precious children. And now I see how infertility's legacy of blessing in my life is trickling down to my own children. Had I not learned everything I have learned, I would have probably put my children before my God. I would have felt worthwhile and lifted up because of my role as mother and not because of who I am in the Lord. I think this is a trap that a lot of mothers fall into unaware. We, as women, are so insecure. So many women are searching for significance in the wrong things. Motherhood, especially in the church, is the most exalted role a woman can have. I think so many womem use this role to give them significance, when what they don't realize is that they were significant long before they were ever blessed with children.
Let's not think that we are special just because we are mothers! This role is just one of the ways the Lord is choosing to use us in the world. And our daughters need to know that they are significant because of God and not because of any role or title they are blessed with. I am first a child of God, then a wife, and then a mother.
I know now that I am more than just a mommy.
a
As I realized that motherhood, for me, was not going to come quickly and may never come, I crumbled. Everything I had ever hoped for was wrapped up in the idea that I would be a mother...everything. After years of wrestling through all of this with God, I came away a different person...a better person. I still wanted and hoped for the family I had long desired, but I also wanted and hoped to be and do whatever He wanted. Somehow through all of the tears and anger and searching scripture and crying out for justice, I realized my own sin. I realized what I expected of God was for Him to fix my problems, instead of fixing me. I was the one who needed fixing, still do.
I am a mother now, by the grace of God. We have adopted 3 precious children. And now I see how infertility's legacy of blessing in my life is trickling down to my own children. Had I not learned everything I have learned, I would have probably put my children before my God. I would have felt worthwhile and lifted up because of my role as mother and not because of who I am in the Lord. I think this is a trap that a lot of mothers fall into unaware. We, as women, are so insecure. So many women are searching for significance in the wrong things. Motherhood, especially in the church, is the most exalted role a woman can have. I think so many womem use this role to give them significance, when what they don't realize is that they were significant long before they were ever blessed with children.
Let's not think that we are special just because we are mothers! This role is just one of the ways the Lord is choosing to use us in the world. And our daughters need to know that they are significant because of God and not because of any role or title they are blessed with. I am first a child of God, then a wife, and then a mother.
I know now that I am more than just a mommy.
a
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