Somewhere in Texas...

My Best Friend's Wedding

2011-09-07T14:56:00.000-07:00

And so Heather is married...she is now Mrs. Travis Jones. It was an eventful summer with showers and parties and the finale was just this last weekend. It was quite an emotional journey.

I have watched Heather go through so much in 6 years of friendship...job changes, cross the world moves, boys in and out of her life, learning more and more about who our God is, dealing with her singleness, watching her become an aunt to my children, finding a career, and falling in love. What a roller coaster!

I am amazed at the way God defines each of our paths so uniquely. His love for us is not easily felt at every turn. We have to just trust the words of the Bible and know that His love is there, even when we can't feel it. And Heather has seen both sides of this too.

I was filled with joy to see my friend stand before God and all of us and commit to love a boy forever and ever, no matter what...And I was filled with even more joy to see that boy commit to love her forever and ever, no matter what. It's the closest earthly picture to the way Jesus chooses to love and commit to us. And I believe it changes us.

There is no way to not feel completely and utterly loved by God when something you have desired and prayed for your whole life is actually happening to you. It made me cry to see my friend experience a moment like that.

God, bless this new family. Continue to teach them and grow them. Soften their hearts to the things you want to teach them. Prepare them in every way for the trials they will face. Break them of any selfish desires. Create in them a love for what is good and holy. Mold their marriage after that of Christ and the church. Help them to see bad circumstances as your way of creating, in them and through them, something beautiful. Most of all, cause them to understand you and your love more fully and to trust in your word for guidance. Draw them to yourself in their weakest moments. Lord, I celebrate you today...for this new union and everything they will do in service to you! To you be all the glory!

We love you Aunt Heather and Uncle Travis!

And we will be on our knees for you every step of the way.

Brotherly Compromise

2011-08-17T08:25:00.001-07:00

Mommy to boys: You guys can watch Star Wars, but you have to decide together which Episode.

(Boys turn to face each other.)

Chad to Brett: Brett, would you want to watch Episode 4?

Brett to Chad: (Long sigh and pause.) Does it have Darth Vader?

Chad to Brett: Yes.

Brett to Chad: OK

(Then both boys turn and sit facing the tv.)

***If it could only be that simple every day!

Brett likes the bad guys....

milestones in canada

2011-08-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

So many milestones have taken place here...

Brett got to go to his first beach. He was born to chill on a beach! I always knew he would love it and he so did...the sand, the water, the sun, the mess of it all-----so Brett!

Kaylie had her first manicure. This has been a long time coming. She was in absolute heaven.

Chad has become a man on this trip...or so his dad says. He caught his first rainbow trout, and second and third. He lost his first tooth and his second tooth...his great grampa pulled them both out. Such a great memory. He took his first 'mountain deuce'. His dad's verbage, not mine. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Also, Brett turned 6. Daddy turned 31. And Chad turned 8. Kaylie learned how to serve others and was a second mother to, Jadyn her new baby cousin, 3 months old. Chad learned to play hockey with his cousin Evan and they played almost everyday. Brett got to spend so much time with his great grampa Kashuba, who he actually looks just like...weirdly enough. And those two have such a special bond. They crack each other up.

They picked cherries and rasberries, shucked corn, pitted the cherries in their undies. They ate their first borscht, a Ukrainian dish that these Polish Ukrainians just love. They also ate their first schnitzel, which is an Austrian favorite...Auntie Simone makes the best!

All in all, it was a quite eventful trip and we had so much fun with all the other Kashuba's...the ones from Canada and even the ones from Austria!

Blockbuster

2011-07-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

I fear it is time to bid farewell to the movie-renting chain that won my heart in the early 90's. Michael and I had a date last week and decided to rent a movie...something we hadn't done in years. We went to the good ole Blockbuster, the one we used to frequent as newlyweds. It was quite nostalgic for us. While we were there, we saw that Tangled had come out and it was only $1 to rent it for a night. Kaylie has been begging us to see that movie, so Michael told me to come back and get it the following week for the whole family to enjoy. He's a sucker for a blue-eyed blonde, wink, wink...my hair used to be blonde.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into that very same Blockbuster 1 week later, to find things much changed. Me and the kids strolled in those doors earlier this evening. They quickly informed me that I had walked by 2 typed papers taped to the doors stating that the store was closing and that I had failed to notice that nothing was left on the shelves. I turned around with all 3 kids in tow to go back out the door I came in, only to find that, it, in fact only opened from the outside, as Blockbuster doors tend to do. I was forced to take that final walk around those oh-so-familiar counters and out the other side, the exit door. You know the one where they would hand you the movies in their white plastic bag, just past the security system, so as not to sound the alarm. There were workers, still clothed in their navy blue employee shirts, packing all the videos away in boxes.

And so I drove off, thinking that now I understood what old people feel like when they talk about things like Route 66 and 8 track tapes. Things that were once a huge part of their life, that eventually got past by or outdated. Blockbuster is my own Route 66.

Blockbuster, you have been outdated...thanks to Redbox and satellite tv. The world no longer has a need for your service. I commend you for a valiant effort to keep up with the latest technology...you made it through DVD's and Blueray. I don't think you will make it through this one.

So, thank you Blockbuster for providing me with many a Man in the Moon rental in 5th grade, and then there was Buffy the Vampire Slayer in 6th (the movie, not the series!), and then the Ace Ventura years...they lasted a while. All of that faded nicely into Tommy Boy, Billy Madison, Dumb and Dumber, Goonies---for goodness sake. I almost forgot about my obsession sometime in high school with 8 Seconds, which my mom got sick of spending the money renting so she ended up buying me my own VHS for Christmas one year. I loved that video tape mom, even though you accidentally got it with Spanish subtitles...so funny and so my life!

Good times! The even funnier part is that I went to Redbox to get the kids something else tonight...not Tangled...because they don't have that new of releases at Redbox. Annoying! Couldn't even rent any movie because something was wrong with the machine/computer...whatever it is and the screen was frozen! I needed Blockbuster tonight and everyone else in the world who cares about technology has long forgotten about it! I like the navy shirts. I like somebody telling me to enjoy my movie. I like seeing all the people in there who had the same idea I had on a Wednesday night.

I am being dragged kicking and screaming into all of this upgraded technology! I am reminding myself of my dad, who still to this day does not actually have call waiting on his home phone.

Nothing last forever...not even Blockbuster.

Multiplication

2011-07-10T17:42:00.000-07:00

VBS at our new church, Park Springs Bible, starts tomorrow! Michael and I have been serving in children's church, every other week, for a couple of months now. It has been so fun to bring our gifts and everything that we have learned serving for 5 years with McKinney's children over here to Arlington.

I am the Preschool Director for our VBS...which is pretty much what I did professionally for those 5 years at McKinney. I have been working hard on this event for a month or so, but tonight after everything was decorated and all the supplies bought, gathered, sorted, and prepped I got quite emotional.

For one, I miss everyone from McKinney that I served with for all those years. And at the same time I am excited about all of the new people I am meeting and will work with this week. It is so neat to see how God is at work everywhere, not just in your one little corner of town....or in your one little church!

And then as I drove away from the church tonight, I was just thinking how cool God is that He prepares us for things like this. How amazing that he gave me people like Nita Minshew, Margie Simpson and Sherri Whitener to do ministry with and watch and learn from. People who taught me so much of what I know in ministry and in running large events.

I am so different than when I first met each of those women and so many others at McKinney...not only different as a person, but professionally I have grown so much. It makes me cry to think that I get to be a part of the MULTIPLICATION of each of the ministries that God has given them. I am overcome with gratitude and overwhelmed by the power of God to use regular people to do his work in the world.

Nita, Margie, Sherri: My ministry is a reflection of your ministry...and all of that reflects the love Christ has for the world! To God be the glory!

And let the MULTIPLICATION continue...

Silver and Gold

2011-07-01T13:03:00.001-07:00

I really love silver. I wear it almost daily in my jewelry. I also really love gold, but I don't wear it as often. It feels more like a special occasion.

I have been given the amazing gift of friendship. So many people have come in and out of my life at different times. Some have stayed. Some have gone. Some see me everyday. Some I don't see for years at a time. Some I talk to everyday. Some I have no contact with.

But they are all my friends. And I love friends!

In a season where I am making new friends everyday, this old children's song has been on my mind.

Make new friends.

But keep the old.

One is silver.

And the other, gold.

I may spend most of my time in new relationships right now...kind of like the jewelry I wear everyday. But I have not forgotten anyone. And when I do get the chance to spend time with any of my 'old friends' it feels like a special occasion!

Here's to God making my 'new friends' feel like 'old friends' and many special occasions in my future. Old and New...of equal importance. They are both precious!

Do you have any 'new friends'? We are called to relationship. Love of others...kind of a big deal in the Bible. And not just the same 'others' year after year. In my experience so far, I would say that God is ever-carving out new opportunities or relationships in order to spread his life-giving message. My most fruitful ministry has always started with a 'new friend'. Lord, help me bear much fruit for you.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

"Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds"

Proverbs 27:23

"Strong Christians"

2011-06-01T10:47:00.002-07:00

What a weird label. The whole premise of being a Christian is realizing that we are sinful, imperfect, weak people who need a Savior...a Savior who is perfect, so unlike us. How could that be considered 'strong' at all? Christianity is not about being strong, it's about knowing that we are weak! We are not strong. Jesus is strong.

Stop calling me a "Strong Christian". You are missing the whole point!

If you go through life, thinking that people are "Strong Christians", you will be disappointed with them. We are just like you, only we love Jesus and desire to please Him. And don't forget that we have a great hope for what comes after this life is over...that's a pretty important part.

Be careful with the labels that you give people, even if you consider them to be 'good' labels. They may not reflect the true nature of that person and that person may not even believe themselves to be near as good as the label you give. Why don't you ask them if they think they are a "Strong Christian"?

Why don't you ask me?

"they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!" Mark 4:12

Perceive! Understand! Turn! Be Forgiven! It is better by far!

"He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

Jesus in Mark 4:9, and all throughout scripture

Being Myself

2011-04-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

It is so hard for me to just be myself...

Especially in situations where I don't know anyone. I am scared I will be too loud. I am scared I will be too crazy. I am scared to make a mistake. I am scared of being intimidating and stand-offish. I am scared of being too outgoing and open right away. I am scared I will talk too much. I am scared of appearing not altogether as a mother. So many fears!

The thing is, I am at times too loud, too crazy, intimidating, stand-offish, too outgoing, too open, and I never have it altogether as a mother! Why do I even try for that one? I absolutely talk too much! I am a flawed person. These things are a part of me whether I like it or not. And these things do not always please. Nothing I do, or anyone else does, can or will please everyone.

Finding new community is hard. I am focusing on 'being myself'. Even when I feel totally exposed and vulnerable and like they may not like what they see....it is me they are seeing. And I am just Amanda. And I screw up every day, all day. But I do love Jesus with my whole heart.

And He loves me.

So far, so good. Being myself is hard for me...hard, not impossible. I do have to be intentional to be myself though...it doesn't come naturally. Go figure!

Enjoying the new church. We became members a couple of weeks ago. Really excited to get on board with the pastor and his vision. This is exactly what we prayed for!

Faith and Blessing

2011-03-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

I never doubted that I would one day be a mother. Never. Not one time did I actually believe that Michael and I would not be parents. It was so clear to me that we would. In my mind I always knew that adoption was absolutely an option for us with or without infertility.

Parenthood would happen. We just didn't know how. But at the same time, any number of other circumstances could have occurred that would not allow for us to even adopt. Why then, so much faith that it would be? I have no idea where that came from...if it was pure or out of ignorance, but here's what I do know...WE ARE PARENTS NOW. Faith came before the blessing.

And we still desire to conceive. But do I have that same faith? Should I? No and I don't know. The sovereignty of God!!! He does what He wants. With or without faith, He still does or doesn't intervene. We can't understand His ways.

But so many times in scripture faith does come before a blessing. Sometimes the blessing is given to increase our faith. Sometimes it is given mercifully when faith is not present at all. Most intriguing to me right now, it seems sometimes He is motivated to bless out of the precious faith of the individual...the bleeding woman, the woman with the demon-possessed daughter (both found in Matthew). In Matthew 17:14-21 the disciples asked Jesus why they were not able to heal the man's son. And Jesus replies, "Because you have so little faith...".

My situation has had me so focused on the sovereignty of God that I have lost sight of the role of faith. Do I think that if I start believing I will conceive, that I will? No. First of all, I can't make myself believe. I'm not fooling anyone...positive thinking is total crap. It is the work of the Holy Spirit for me to believe more. But it is possible if my belief is real! Anything is with God! I am so not going to write Him off!

I don't know what His plans are for me. I do want to ask Him for more faith. More faith is pleasing to Him. Not asking for more faith, so that I can get what I want. I actually believe that if I start asking for more faith, I may start wanting totally different things....like I may start wanting what He wants more, whatever that is. And though, I will never be so in tune with Him that my heart will desire the same things as Him. I can grow in my faith and become, by His grace, more in tune with Him. And I do desire that regardless of any blessings that more faith could bring.

Faith and blessing go hand in hand. My Sovereign God loves me. Two truths not to be separated.

Mostly inspired by Beth Moore's Believing God,

Counting to 1,000

2011-03-04T10:48:00.000-08:00

It seems like Brett started getting really excited about counting super high when he was 4 1/2...Kaylie has followed that same pattern and Chad probably did too, but I didn't get sweet Chad until he had already turned 5. By that point he already knew how to count to 1,000.

So, today at lunch Kaylie was talking about how high she could count. She said she could count to 20 and didn't know how to count any higher than that. I explained that she could count higher if she wanted because its just like counting 1-10. Brett showed her for a while and then she had the hang of it. She was so proud and surprised to know that she actually could count way higher than she thought. I remember that moment with Brett, too. It's so cute how they follow in each other's footsteps!

Brett bragged that he could count to 1,000 and Kaylie was very excited to hear that and asked Brett to do it for her. I guess she forgot that about a year ago he did this almost every morning in the car...or at least as high as he could get before we got to school. I can only assume that Kaylie might be motivated to practice her counting for a while too...just like Brett did.

Anyways, Brett agreed to count to 1,000 for her. It went something like this:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16-thats when I get to drive, 17, 18. And then I started laughing when I realized what he had said. I especially laughed at how he just kept right on trucking through the rest of the numbers. He smiled that Brett smile at me and winked as he kept going. I love that he is already counting down to when he can drive...such a boy!

He has been winking lately. His new trademark. And, ladies, it will melt your heart. He was having some trouble listening on Tuesday mornings with his new teachers. So, I told the teachers to please hold him accountable by telling me if he was not listening the first time. I also gave them some pointers on handling my middle man because he can be a little tricky, but that's beside the point. Anyways, I stopped by during the break to check on his progress. I was ready to give him a quick 'pep talk' to get him back on track if needed. I leaned into his room and said, "How's it going?" They said to my delight, "Brett is making really good choices today!". I happily looked over at him and said, "Good job, buddy!". To which he gave only a smile and a wink. It was classic Brett and I will remember that look forever.

Another funny side note:

We were eating lunch when all of this counting was going on and my mind started to wonder to Chad and how he was doing today. God is really moving in him right now and I am often reminded to pray for him throughout the day. Well the Spirit moved and I felt the need to pray for Chad, so I interrupted Brett at 119 to see if he and Kaylie wanted to pray with me for Chad. They agreed, but Brett vocalized frustration at possibly having to start back at number 1. I assured him that we would remember where he was and he could start at 120 when we were done. Heads bowed. I prayed. And the second I said 'Amen' Brett continued 121, 122, 123.....and gave me that same smile and wink.

I love these kids!

'Dirty 30'

2011-02-25T14:25:00.000-08:00

Oh My! What fun we had! I just loved celebrating with all of the best girls in the world! So much to be thankful for!

Thanks to everyone who joined me and Heather. Thanks to my fine husband who watched the kids while I went out on the town. Thanks to my mom for the new dress. Thanks to Miranda for a great show. Thanks to Jess for driving us around with her pregnant self! Thanks to Heather for doing life with me for 6 years now...nothing is too stupid to talk to you about, and I talk about some pretty stupid stuff sometimes!

Here are some highlights:

1. Heather bringing me a Sunkist while I was getting ready that night. ( I had been off caffeine for a while.) Heather, just so you know B and K also enjoyed the Sunny Delight...heehee.

2. Tara Stone for making last minute yummy cookies for my friends the night before the party. Have you tasted Tara's cookies? Call me for her number if you need the cutest, most delicious iced sugar cookies.

3. Getting sweet texts from some of my besties that couldn't make it as I was getting ready. We missed you guys. So sweet to think of me, even while you were away.

4. All of my friends wearing there dresses and boots! Loved it! People at Pappasito's were stopping and asking what kind of group we were, with all of us wearing boots. How could they not know Miranda was in town and obviously that is where we were headed!

5. Sooooo many laughs at dinner! I could hardly eat from laughing! I don't think I thought or even looked outside of my table the entire dinner...we might have been the only ones in there. How fun to not have to think about anyone else for a couple of hours!

6. Crazy ladies, pumped up about the concert all stuffed into my mini-van riding over to Billy Bob's! (Casey Riles is the world's greatest co-pilot in any situation...truly gifted!)

7. Holding hands and winding our 16 person line through the shoulder to shoulder crowd at Billy Bob's to find our seat. I kept looking behind me to make sure everyone was there and I could see that you guys were all laughing hysterically, just like me, at how ridiculous that was. I will never forget that.

8. Heather totally disregarding any and all rules, like always, and going under the rope in front of us to get drinks. Love the boldness, Heather! Thanks for the margarita!

9. Rocking out with Tiffany! And laughing at each other the whole concert...Doing a spin with Tiffany around the dance floor after the show...Tiffany twirling by herself for a second in the middle of the dance floor! Loved it! Thanks for being down for that, Tiff!

10. Walking Lauren to her car and having her drive me back to the group...14 spaces away!

11. Amber laughing at my jokes or maybe just at me from the back of the mini-van...I miss that girl! A-team forever!

12. And to top it all off, Brenda riding Kaylie's bike, which I mistakenly left in the back of the van) around the Billy Bob's parking lot!

So many sweet faces! I could just eat everyone up...so many memories...so much love. My best friends in the world, all at the same time. I could not stop smiling all night!

I will remember forever the night of the 'Dirty 30'!

Reading again...

2011-01-24T13:59:00.000-08:00

Reading some great stuff right now including: Beth Moore's Believing God, and Dr. Les Carter's The Anger Trap. I am also going through The Gospel-Centered Life on Tuesday mornings this semester. God is really digging in right now!

"She actually felt very close to her mother and had admired her for the way she worked hard to overcome the potential problems that would come to a single mom. She wanted her mother to be proud of her, and she certainly did not want to be an additional burden, so she was careful as a girl and young adult not to be a nuisance. Since her mom did not talk openly about personal matters, it was easy for Connie to go about her responsibilities with no fanfare and keep her feelings to herself."

Dr. Carter is explaining how 'Connie' came to suppress her anger, rather than dealing with it appropriately. He goes on to say, "Somewhere along the way they (people who suppress anger) concluded that nothing good can result from emotional transparency, so in the adult years they cringe when potential problems arise. They may actually convince themselves that a stoic or stiff approach to conflict is good. Pain is seemingly averted, yet it is only compounded."

Very, very interesting...this book has been fascinating. I guarantee you will see a bit of yourself in this book and it will benefit you and your relationships.

I am only through 3 chapters and I am already recommending it.

p.s. My mom is stinkin' amazing! I do want to make her proud and she tells me every chance she gets that I do! Love you momma!

one day at a time

2011-01-18T13:53:00.000-08:00

I have heard this at least a thousand times in my life, but it had new meaning for me this week. Before kids, it was difficult to only think about 'one day at a time' because I had so much time to think about everything. Why not go into the next day and the next month and so on and so on? Not a great idea, but with too much time on our hands, we are usually not at our best.

Then, the kids came and I was on constant over load...working with everything I had to stay one step ahead of them. I needed that for my own sanity and for their success. I am not saying that this was absolutely necessary or right. It is just sort of how I dealt...immense preparation for every aspect of my life. I thought through the individual needs of all 3 kids and my husband, scrutinized over them, so that I could move confidently forward. I lost myself for a long time behaving that way. It was a heavy burden to bear and my obsessive preparation often overwhelmed me.

Obviously, I could never keep that up forever and I knew that full well while I was doing it. I didn't allow myself breaks at all and even after the kids went down I continued on in the preparation. With lunch-making, kids playing after they were in bed and the disciplining that followed (all in 1 bedroom for the first 7 months), cleaning, laundry, preparing my next morning so that it could also be successful, talking to Michael about what was going on with him at work, runs to the store, brainstorming with Michael on how to handle one of the kid's latest struggles, etc....I don't think I officially stopped for at least a year and a half and then only slowly gave up those ways---maybe still giving them up.

This last year I have worked hard to be the 'normal mom'...not right on top of every little thing, but not super behind either. I am trying to be more authentically who I am as a mother. One great thing has happened! My kids go to bed so well! Praise God! I have from 8pm-10pm to read, spend quality time with Michael, drink a cup of tea, watch a movie. I have no anxiety or worry about the kids during this time at all anymore. I have even figured, most of the time, how to squeeze making lunches for the next day into my afternoon routine or even while dinner is cooking, so that I don't have to do that after they go down. It is truly the break and refreshment I need to get me to the next day.

So now, I say to myself, "Just make it to 8pm and you are in the clear!" "Keep it together, hold your temper, remain patient!" If I can just make it to 8pm, then I can get refreshed, get well-rested and start all over again. 'One day at a time' is really working for me right now! I can do anything till 8pm, right? This is the pattern I want for the rest of my days. Thank you, Lord, for showing me both extremes and teaching me how to trust you just 'one day at a time'. I have been 'not busy enough' and 'way too busy'...both of my own doing. This is what you want for me in every season of my life, no matter how leisurely or how busy it is.

P.S. I don't regret any of it. I would do it close to the same way all over again. I really believe that is what they needed from me. I really believe that is what I needed from me. It was just a season. I'm also really glad that time is over. God is so good!

Committed to Community

2011-01-09T11:21:00.000-08:00

So...since I have been off of staff for about 5 and a half months and we have adjusted to my new schedule, etc. We thought it was time to shake things up again. Just kidding, we don't really try to shake things up on purpose! Basically, Michael and I have felt led to be involved in a church closer to our home for a long time. While being on staff it was never an option, but we both always kind of felt that one day we would make the transition. Honestly, I was scared to do it when I first left staff. I was already going through so much change, so we decided to wait a bit...maybe a year or so we thought.

This last month or two the Lord just kind of burdened me with it though, so I talked to Michael and we began to pray for clarity. We have decided to commit to finding a new church, one in our community. We are quite at home at McKinney in every way, but we desire to have a church and relationships that are down the street, rather than down a major highway and in another town. Please know that if McKinney was down the street from us, we would absolutely be delighted to continue our worship there. Our only reason for leaving is geographic.

We desire to be a part of what God is doing in SW Arlington. For so long now our ministry and our community has been divided between SW Fort Worth and SW Arlington. With SW Fort Worth getting the better part, sad to say. We are choosing to seek the kind of community we have always wanted: where Michael's work, our church, our kid's school, and our home are all in the same place. We feel like now is our chance.

For now me and Brett and Kaylie will remain at ELC. Brett goes to Kindergarten next year anyways. I think I will also continue to be a part of the women's Bible study on Tuesday mornings, at least until I find something comparable here in Arlington. I think this will be a super slow transition, considering how many ties we will still have at McKinney...like all of my friends and B and K's school and my teaching position. We don't plan on falling completely out of the picture just yet, if ever.

We know it will take a long time to rebuild what we have had at McKinney and that it will be a lonely journey, but we are excited about all that God has for us right here in our neighborhood! God is good and He is at work in Arlington, just like He is at work in Fort Worth!

Seeking His will,

My kids are growing up!

2010-12-31T17:00:00.000-08:00

Brett said tonight that he wanted to build a spaceship out of play-doh, fly to outer space, live there with his wife and kids and build paper airplanes. Wow, I can't wait to share that at his wedding!

Kaylie said that she was going to pick the boy who loved God to marry...that a girl Kaylie! I asked her how she would decide which 'boy who loved God' to marry because there may be several. She said she would pick 'the special one'...love that. I asked her how she would know he was special. And she said she would know him because of his heart. Precious wisdom from my 4 year old princess!

Chaddy insists that he doesn't like girls, but blushes every time he sees one of the girls in his class outside of school...so sweet.

My kids have grown up so much in 2010!

Happy New Year everybody!

a

Unendingly confused, but fully pleasing...

2010-12-21T13:23:00.000-08:00

The cookies are done and I am the cookie! I feel so worked over. The Lord has taken me through so much and I am truly thankful, don't get me wrong, but I do wonder if everyone else feels this way too. Am I the only one who feels like I am on a constant discovery, re-discovery, on-the-verge of discovery crazy, confusing journey through life?

God has done HUGE things in my life every year for several years now. In fact, when I think about it, this has been going on since I first came to know the Lord. I think I was a pretty happy-go-lucky teenager...that is until the Lord grabbed a hold of my heart. At least I thought I was happy. Probably more of that ignorant bliss stuff. More ignorant than blissful, but so in denial that I actually don't remember struggling. I was never brought to the end of my rope until I saw clearly my sin and need for the Lord. Then I saw even more clearly, how through so much growth, I am still so screwed up. Still so screwed up!

But apparently, fully pleasing to the Lord.

I am un-endingly confused. I am led in ways that I have no idea why. I am growing more obedient in even the confusing things. I am so over being timid with people about the gospel. I am filled to the brim with ideas and passions that I don't fully know what to do with. I am known to talk too much. I am working hard to reign myself in and follow Michael's much more methodical lead. I am fascinated by the stories of people. I am spontaneous to a fault and regretful later. I am motivated by relationship...my relationship to Jesus and my relationship to others for the purpose of revealing Jesus. I am impatient with anyone who can't keep up with me and this makes me sad. I am a lot more angry of a person than I used to think. I am a mommy on her knees. I am a lover of alone time. I am strong. I am in love with forgiveness. I am actually sensitive, which has come as a shock and is super annoying. I am better when mostly busy, but not totally busy. I am most assuredly...A WORK IN PROGRESS!

Lord, I could use a break from self-discovery and new ways you want to mold me, but I understand if you want to keep pressing on. Help me to stay positive and stay engaged. Thanks for not letting go. I will not let go either.

Miranda Lambert!

2010-12-10T12:54:00.001-08:00

Just found out she is coming to Billy Bob's February 18th and 19th, 2011...saw her there last February - AMAZING! Could be the world's greatest girls night...hmmm.

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-27T08:41:00.000-08:00

Our sweet little, Clementine. We decided to name our turkeys like they name the hurricanes...alphabetical, except we are doing all girl names for now. Last year's was Beatrice. It has been so fun learning how to cook all the Thanksgiving food!

Kid Table!

Grown-up Table...notice Chad is there, kind of a big deal!

Daddy's little cutie

Brett enjoying momma's cooking

Chad and Papa

Kaylie and her cousins

Ahhh!

Men

2010-11-17T19:23:00.000-08:00

I have always been a student of people around me...I love getting to really know people. What makes them tick? What bugs them? Who do they want to be? Who are they right now? How does change affect them...conflict?

Anyways, this has always been who I am...at least part of who I am. Being married now for eight and a half years, much of my course work has come in the form of one incredible man, Michael.

The thing about men:

The thing about men is they have a tough job. They are usually the first ones out the door. They work all day dealing with countless problems, conflicts and work relationships that we know nothing about. Their brains are no doubt tired from all of that and they walk in to a family who fully expects them to be engaged in whatever is going on at home. How are kids doing in school? Does wife feel loved? Any possible problems with cars or houses usually falls to their lot as well...along with garbage and probable other minor chores around the house. Are they intentional to talk to their kids about Jesus? Are they themselves daily seeking the Lord and going to him for guidance? Is their wife doing the same? Is their family being good financial stewards? Are bills paid?

Ladies! Let's appreciate our men today. The thing about men is:

They need to hear they are doing a great job, even the ones who seem to already know...they want us to say it. Even the ones who are struggling right now, they need to know we understand and that we believe in them. They need to hear us say that because if we don't, who will? And what happens to them if nobody believes in them, not even their wife. God thought they needed a help-mate and we get to be that!

They have huge influence over everyone in the home, but we as wives have great ability to provide them with the confidence to influence well.

Their job is hard and so is ours, ladies. But let's not forget that part of our job is loving them well.

Lord, I pray for marriages today. I pray for wives and husbands to be drawn to you and through you drawn to each other. I pray that you would work miracles in homes everywhere. I pray that this sacred thing that you created would be protected. I pray that wives would not forget how heavy the burden is on their husbands. I pray that husbands would not forget how much we are all looking to them for strong, wise leadership. I pray that we would all know and understand how valued we are in your eyes. I pray that you would use that truth to give us all the confidence to live boldly for you in good times and bad, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...as long as we both shall live.

a

The pendulum swings...

2010-11-08T14:38:00.000-08:00

Michael and I have been dealing with infertility since 2003 when we first thought about growing our family, so I guess that makes over 7 years. And yes, as crazy as it seems, we do still want more children, so this infertility journey is still raging on.

When this whole thing started I felt like it was possible that we would never conceive, but we probably would.

Now I feel like it is possible that we will conceive, but we probably won't.

And I don't think it is bad to start feeling the way I do now. My belief hasn't suffered. I still believe that God can do anything He wants and that He loves me with an out-of-this-world passion. I'm just not sure anymore that this is what He wants for me. I know it is what I want.

It is a weird moment to be totally aware of a major change in my thinking.

Kind of cool, too.

Sad, happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad, happy...who knows these days.

a

My Own Personal Revival

2010-10-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

That is the only thing I can call it. I can't figure out just when things started to shift...I don't know maybe it had something to do with leaving my position on staff at the church, going on a family mission trip to Mexico, and staying at home all day every day with all 3 of my rascals for that last month of the summer...anyways I have been involved in some inner turmoil that I am not so used to.

I have sought the Lord consistently through out, but all 3 of those adjustments happening at the exact same time did a number on me. It has been hard, but the result is an amazing, painful, joyful, EMOTIONAL, confusing, useful, and ultimately solid place with the Lord. Yet again, I am surprised by how great my God is. Why is it that I keep getting surprised? I should just know by now. Don't you think he probably delights in surprising us with His greatness. It just keeps getting better!

Isn't it amazing how your peace of mind can come back with no change at all in your circumstances...it just doesn't make sense...it's a miracle...it's my God.

a

Bragging on those Babies!

2010-09-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today, September 12th, 2010, marks 2 years to the day since these little cuties made there home with us. And what a home it is!

We celebrated them tonight through stories and prayers and lots of laughter over what they were like when we first met them. Isn't it great to get to the point where you can laugh at how horrible things were. Thank you Lord for that! Lord, can you remind me that again tommorow when I am annoyed to the point of tears. You will laugh at this one day Amanda! Because it is so true! Oh, how I love to laugh!

side note...too cute not to tell:

Every time we pray as a family, Brett ends up thanking God for somebody's 'silly-ness'. "Thank you God for Chad and his 'silly-ness'." "Thank you God for Daddy and his 'silly-ness'." You get the idea.

Tonight, Brett started his prayer off like this, "Thank you God for Clover and her 'silly-ness'." "And thank you for when she sits on the couch and looks at me like that."...followed by the cutest giggle in the wide world. I knew when I heard that giggle that Brett was remembering some special way that Clover looks at him and he loves that certain look so much that he thanked God for it...PRECIOUS!

I love that my kids love my dog as much as me! By the way, Clover is my dog.

Thank you God for BRETT and his silly-ness! This kid lives for a good laugh. What's not to love about that!

I am one blessed mommy!

a

on my heart today...

2010-09-10T11:47:00.000-07:00

I was thinking a lot about the people we met in Mexico today. Musgrave's, Colorado's, Hower's, Pastor Eric and family, along with all of those young adults who served so well while I was there----You were lifted up this morning. I pray for all of you to be encouraged today and every day. You are doing an amazing work unto our Lord! Keep fighting the fight! You are not alone in your work in Mexico. We are standing with you!

Wisdom from a seasoned missionary and a man who has walked with the Lord for a long time:

I asked one of the missionaries what somebody like me could do to help support the work of the missionaries in Mexico and the cause for Christ there and he immediately said, "We need accountability. Missionaries are sinners just like the rest." They desire more than just our funds. They desire relationship. We should be spurring them along as they spur us along. He followed that comment with this, "A guy can write an amazing prayer letter and not being doing a whole lot of anything."

He encouraged us to actually know the people we support; visit them; see what they are up to. Maybe all of us here in America just trust too much the people we support, or maybe we are just lazy to actually take the time to get to know them and see what they are really up to. It's much easier to just check our generosity box off than it is to personally invest ourselves in a missionary or a mission.

This was a pretty sobering reality for us and also a great opportunity for me to share the wise thoughts of a man who I admire.

Hope it challenges you too,

a

There and Back Again

2010-08-07T19:01:00.000-07:00

We got back a week ago from our family mission trip to Mexico. It was quite an experience...that's for sure.

The kids did amazing! They are such little troopers.

Here are just some of their extra challenges:

*almost non-stop rain
*much colder weather than mom packed proper clothes for
*strange food - which they ate almost every bite of...Brett especially!
*different language
*no toilet seat
*forced to do what we needed to do and not what they wanted to do 95% of the time
*30-40 minute team meeting times w/ 20-30 minutes spent in prayer twice a day
(the kids joined us and sat quietly in our laps or next to us)
*all meals served in an outdoor ampitheater with stone benches...not so easy for
a young child to eat without spilling everything(...which for some reason was the most annoying thing ever. I think at meal time Michael and I were starving and then we had to get them all set. When that was done, any spill or mess was a challenging experience in parenting. All I want is to sit and eat my tortilla in peace, you know!)
*Dad was away for most of the time doing work projects. We were actually on different teams. I was on the craft team and Michael was on the work team. We would see him at meals and occasionally chad or brett could help him. They missed their daddy. I missed their daddy.
*Meals served on 'Mexico time'. Lunch at 2pm/Dinner at 8pm.
*nap times with workers on the roof.
*bed time at least 2 hours later than normal./breakfast at normal time.

Things I said often while we were there:

-"Don't let any water touch you anywhere on your face!"
-"No we can't swing right now, we have work to do."
-"Let the other kids paint now and you can paint later."
-"We don't climb on that."
-"How about a lollipop!"
-"Hand-sanitizer!"
-"Remember what we talked about...we came here to what?_________Serve others.
That's right. It's not about who?________Me. That's right.
-"Kaylie can you work on smiling or saying Hola to the nice kids." The kids
in Mexico said she was 'muy timida'. She warmed up by the last night.

All in all, we are very, very proud parents. They were pushed so hard. They had to think about others before themselves and they still managed to have a great time. Chad cried at our last team meeting. He never likes to say goodbye...so sweet.

All of this parenting was going on and we were busy with ministry the whole week too. Ministry was amazing! The kids there are beyond adorable and sweet. We were so inspired to watch ministry happen in a different part of the world. The coolest part...they are doing the same things that we are doing. It reminded me so much of my time with Young Life. I saw the counselors praying one-on-one with the kids. I saw them playing silly games to get everyone to lighten up. I saw them being 'oh, boy! leaders'. I saw them sitting with the kids in circles, Bibles open. I saw all of this and it was beautiful.

We were able to bring all the supplies and provide a craft time to them when they don't normally get to do crafts at this camp. You should have seen these little artists! The counselors and even some of the ladies from the kitchen came out to paint and make crafts. It was very special. The things we all take for granted.

It was an honor to be able to love these kids, these counselors, and 3 missionary families who live in the town we were in. I especially had a heart for these young adults who were the counselors at the camp. It is hard to be a believer in Mexico. It is hard to make a life in ministry there and yet they are devoting their lives to ministry. Many of them want to be in ministry full-time, which in that country is a guaranteed life of poverty. One of the counselors was in seminary.

Here, men who choose to go to seminary and want to be pastors are making sacrifices for sure, but to walk willingly into guaranteed poverty. Poverty is not guaranteed here for pastors. I love their heart to hear the call of the Lord on their life, regardless of all other factors.

I am inspired. My kids are changed forever. My family will never forget the week we spent in Mexico.

Thanks be to God!

We all do wrong things sometimes!

2010-06-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

Kaylie's favorite quote lately is, "We all do wrong things sometimes."

It seems I have taught them at least one thing over this last 22 months. She is such a little sweetie pie! It's so funny to hear your words come back at you and so precious also. When Kaylie gets in trouble, she gets so sad. She doesn't get mad...just super sad. Usually I can hear her muffled sobs coming out of her room before I even get in there to see her. I guess I gave her the same choice words just about every time she got a 'talking to'.

The other day I was pretty upset with Brett because he kept making the same mistake all morning...I can't even remember what it was. I felt bad about the way I handled it, so I came out to apologize to him for losing my temper. Kaylie overheard the conversation, so she walked over to me and put her hand on my back. She patted me a couple of times and said, "We all do wrong things sometimes, mom. You can do better next time." I must have reminded Kaylie of herself as I sat there with Brett, crying and asking for forgiveness. What a humbling experience and yet so encouraging.

I was feeling like a horrible mom at that moment and then Kaylie showed me that, even though I am not perfect and screw up all the time, my kids are still learning. My imperfections and sins do not have to hinder my children's growth.

Being honest with my kids about my own sin and asking forgiveness when I screw up allows them to see the proper way to handle a mistake.

Oh, how I hate those moments as a mother...and oh, how I love them.

Lord, continue to draw my children to yourself, despite my imperfect ways.

a

Smelly Closet Quiet Times

2010-06-16T13:50:00.001-07:00

11pm at night.
Michael fast asleep in our bed.
Brett asleep in the boys room.
Kaylie asleep in her room.
Chad asleep on the couch because he wasn't feeling good.
Clover, our dog asleep in the playroom.
Me...
In my husband's closet...
Which is located in our master bath...
The actual bathroom light is off, of course,
Because if 1 tiny sliver of light touches Michael's sleeping face
He will wake up mad.

And so I found the only light possible for me to read the 'good book' last night...inside Michael's closet.

THE HILARITY OF MOTHERHOOD!

Funniest part - I am actually super excited to have discovered that little oasis in the night. I can read late at night (which I LOVE to do) And NO ONE is disturbed! Now I just need to put some comfy pillows in there and get some deoderizers for Michael's shoes! Win - Win!

Gregory in the Middle

2010-06-06T17:40:00.001-07:00

So the other day, Brett did something...who knows what and I sent him to his room. Now, when they go in their room to chill out they are expected to sit still in the middle of the floor and remain calm. If they are not calm they will just stay longer. Anyways, Brett was being quiet and I thought it was about time to go get him, so I peeked in his room. He was sitting quietly in the middle of the floor, like always. I sat down in front of him and started to talk to him a bit about whatever it was he had done and I noticed that he had something in his mouth. I said, 'Brett, what is in your mouth?'. He said, 'I don't know'. So I said, 'Let me see it'. No lie...it was a toenail! So gross! I guess he had found it in the carpet next to him. I think daddy taught Chad how to clip his own nails last week. Apparently, he did not teach him how to clean up after. Why on earth my little man decided to put it in his mouth I will never understand? But that is my Brett! He does some of the weirdest things. At first, I was so grossed out that Brett got scared...and then we both ended up laughing hysterically.

Did I mention this is the kid who swallowed a penny he found on the playground last year at preschool? Find a penny on the playground...yes. Feel the need to taste it...why? Run with it in your mouth and freak your friends out when you fall and start gagging it down...really? When I picked him up that day, all of his friends were telling me that he choked and ate a penny. His teachers said a whole group of his friends went running and screaming up to them...scared to death that Brett was choking. I guess Brett thought he was pretty cool until he ended up accidentally swallowing the penny.

And the poor thing is the middle child...oh, the middle child. Not as tall or cool or smart or fast as his big brother, who he adores...naturally. Not as sweet and cute and pretty and adorable as his little sister, who annoys him...naturally. He is smack dab in the middle and has the bad attitude to prove it. He's got something, though. He doesn't know it or understand it...but he's got something. I just love my middle man! A total non-conformist, march to the beat of his own drum, 'you can follow me if you want but I don't really care I am just doing my thing kind of a kid'! He is truly a unique guy and I can't wait to see what God has in store for him!

That is my Brett Gregory Kashuba...Gregory in the Middle!

a

Grief and Life

2010-06-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

Something I never expected...and yet such a part of my journey - Grief is such a big part of life. Our ability to handle grief seems to determine what mood our life will hold. It's not that there will or will not be grief, but what we do with the grief that will absolutely come.

Grieving and living...you can do both. Crying and laughing. Content and yet sad. The most surprising thing - there is still joy in grief. I am happy to know that from personal experience.

Death to self = Joy in grief

And the only way to really know that, is to experience it. Real and true death to self will bring joy. But are we really willing to give our selfish selves up?

Lord, for your glory, I pray we are...I pray I am. Besides, this whole self-seeking life stinks anyways.

a

Arise, Lord!

2010-05-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

Arise, Lord! Lift up your head, O God.
Do not forget the helpless.
Why does the wicked man revile God?
Why does he say to himself,
"He won't call me to account"?
But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless.
Break the arm of the wicked and evil man;
call him to account for his wickedness
that would not be found out.

The Lord is King for ever and ever;
the nations will perish from his land.
You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

Psalm 10:12-18

I have seen this exact thing played out in the life of my family and yet I am burdened by so many more children out there. In your exact time, Lord, I know you will show yourself in their lives too. And "man, who is of the earth, will terrify no more"!

Arise, Lord!

a

Dangly earrings and little boys

2010-05-12T14:21:00.001-07:00

No one ever tells you these things...I have discovered something about my boys in the last several months. Whenever mommy needs to 'talk' about something with them, their little eyes are drawn to my earrings instead of to my eyes.

I remember my dad telling me to look him in the eyes when he was talking to me, which for the most part I did not have a problem with. But when he was getting angry and I was annoyed I would stare at his eye brows instead. I knew he would not be able to call me out on it and I knew in my ugly little heart that I was disobeying him. And that is exactly what I wanted to do.

Anyways, now I am getting a taste of my own medicine. As soon as the lecture comes out, their little eyes start to wonder...but not too far off...just to the sparkly, dangly earrings that I chose to put on that day.

The funny thing is that I love a good pair of dangly earrings. Now, when I remember, I take them off before I have a 'conversation' with either of them. This of course just makes them find something else to concentrate on besides what you are telling them.

I have found that if your kids are distracted and their eyes glaze over you are not effective and should stop talking anyways. As soon as I see their eyes float over to my earrings, I wrap it up. Less words. More action. They are smart. They will figure it out.

The Fight in the Dog

2010-05-07T11:46:00.000-07:00

Oh man! Today was kindergarten field day at Chaddy's school. I had no idea what I was going to see. I thought maybe some cheesy events that don't even border on competitive...like water balloon tosses, etc. I am actually impressed with field day...they ran lots of really cool races. They had hurtles...little kindergartener-sized hurtles. And the races were long. I mean they are really pushing these kids. I love it!

Anyways, Chad, for whatever reason, has decided recently to really practice running as fast as he can. Every chance he gets he runs wind sprints. He wants to be timed. He wants to beat his time. He wants to do it 20 times in a row. The cool thing is he is getting a lot faster. Practice really does make perfect...that's what my dad always said.

The kids got to sign-up for 5 events each. There were 5 events that were races. Guess which ones my little man signed up for...so cute.

And I was worried about that because as hard as he has worked, he is just a really little guy. But I knew he would give it all he had.

His first race was the 50 meter...kind of a really long sprint. He looked great. He got second in his heat. I was proud! Then he ran a 200m, which looked so long. I wondered how this one would go. He was super fast right at first and then he got really tired about half way...2 kids passed him and he got 3rd place. He let the last kid catch up with him (on purpose), so that he could blow past him in the end...a bit of a mean streak...we are trying to use these moments as 'teachable moments'. I am sure we will have a conversation about that later. Anyways, he did a relay and the hurtles and those were really fun. And then the last race of the day was the 300 meter run. I thought the 200m looked long. He was stoked to get up there.

He looked calm and focused on the start line. The little boy next to him kept inching up to be ahead of everyone else. I thought this would distract Chad, but he stayed put waiting for the whistle. All of the other little boys were so busy trying to inch their way up that they did not get a good jump off of the whistle. Chaddy had a head start and was leading the pack. He was strong for the first half and then you could see the others start gaining. All of Chad's class was screaming at the top of their lungs for him, as the other boys were getting closer and closer. When he made the last turn, I thought for sure the little boy behind him was going to be able to pass. Chad was fading fast. He was not smiling. His face was in anquish, mustering every bit of energy he had. The faster the boy behind him would go, the faster Chad would go. He would not let him pass. IT WAS AWESOME!

He ended up beating the other little boy by 1 step. I couldn't believe the determination I saw in his face coming down that last stretch. It was precious. He is not the biggest, but he sure works as hard as his little body will let him. I am so proud of you Chaddy! You keep working hard no matter what! Kashubas don't give up!

a

Crazy Mommy Moment

2010-05-01T14:03:00.000-07:00

I had one of those yesterday...in the Target check-out line. Picture this: Kaylie in the front part of the shopping cart that faces me, Brett in the back part of the cart. It was just like any other day, just waiting patiently in the line. Kaylie starts screaming hysterically, which was the weirdest thing. I look down and her little arm was caught in between 2 of the bars on the shopping cart....SO WEIRD! She had reached behind her for some reason and had gotten her arm through those bars, past her elbow. When she went to pull it back out, she had turned it over and it was pinched and totaly stuck in between the bars.

I thought for sure it would just pull out, so I went to straighten her arm and gently remove it from between the bars. Of course every time I touched her arm she tensed up and started to become even more hysterical. I was trying to calm her down because she was making it so much harder. Brett finally looks up and happens to see her little arm all red and squished and then he starts crying. He was so scared to see her that way...kind of sweet, but really Brett!

Needless to say it was so hard to focus on the arm while both my babies were completley freaking out. I think Kaylie thought she was never getting out of that shopping cart...she was totally panicked.

I tried several ways to get her arm out and it would not budge. I kept thinking, 'this is like one of those brain teaser puzzles'. I have never been good at those and now with all the pressure of freeing Kaylie's arm while both of my children are screaming hysterically...IT WAS CRAZY!

Finally after what felt like an eternity (probably only 2-3 minutes), I was able to figure out how to free the arm. Poor Kaylie! When I had her in my arms and she had death grip around my neck and everyone was calm, I looked up and the entire staff of Target had gathered around, along with several passers-by. I had a whole audience watching me work that out! I had no idea!

On top of all of that, now I had to pay for my items which had been rung up during the commotion I guess. My heart was racing the whole time and then on the way out tears started welling up in my eyes too! And then I could not stop laughing. It was really quite emotional...so funny!

Anyways, mommy saved her! It's moments like that, I will never forget and I don't think Kaylie and Brett will either!

Super Mommy, off to save another child from disaster!

a

Realness and Rudeness

2010-04-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

I find it humorous that the adjective the church uses to describe anyone who often uses brutal honesty to communicate is "real". The word "real" seems to be getting thrown around a lot lately, always with a very positive connotation. We are all looking for others who are "real". I think that is a good thing to look for in a person.

But more often than not the person that people describe to me as "real" could also be called "rude" in many situations, depending on what perspective you are coming from. This person usually 'tells it like it is' which can be refreshing for sure. I think there is nothing wrong with being honest, as long as we are honest with everyone in our life and not just with a few select individuals. The problem comes in when our honesty becomes brutal honesty.

I have to admit that I have been referred to on many an occasion as "brutally honest". I do seek to be honest with everyone in my life. It's with those closest to me that the brutal part seems to come out.

If we are not careful our "realness" can and will serve to isolate us from those that we love. Our "realness" can become "rudeness"...lessons learned from a very forgiving husband.

I would have to say that our culture of "realness" within the church has come at a price. How about using that word in a positive way. There is such a thing as "realness" that would not hurt anyone else. We can be "real" about our own struggles and not everyone else's. What ever happened to plain old good manners? After all, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. How practical is this...not saying anything to anyone at all if you have something negative to say. Take it all to God, right? But we are so imperfect and so scarred and hurt...how possible is it really?

Regardless of how hard and impossible, I do think we are called to something better. Praying today for myself and all of you to bring this before the Lord and ask Him what He thinks.

a

My Peeps at Easter

2010-04-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

My sweetie pies!
the boys
Kaylie and her cousin, May---2 silly girls

Moving on...

2010-03-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

I have officially made the decision to leave my church staff. I have worked as our church's nursery coordinator for four and a half years. It really has been a joy.

I love welcoming young families to our church and seeing them get plugged in. I love looking them in the eye and telling them that we are going to take good care of their babies. I love being the one who gets to greet every baby and every parent, every week, as they come down the nursery hall. I love knowing all their names. I love the people that help make the nursery possible...all of the nursery staff and their families.

I love all of this so much because this is how God chose to use me in His church. I love being on our church's team, but I love being on His team more!

When we got the kids 19 months ago, Michael and I considered the idea of me leaving staff...fully expecting that God would of course say that it was time for me to step down. The weird thing is, He didn't. It was the right decision for me to stay. And now it is the right decision for me to leave. Simply put, it is time.

Thanks to all of the families I served and to the rest of the church staff for making the last several years so amazing. And a special thanks to everyone who worked with me to take care of those little ones. You all mean so much to me and my family. You were always there for me professionally and personally and I will never forget.

Love,

Amanda

Such great ages!

2010-03-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

My kids are 6, 4, and 3 years old...all with late summer birthdays, so they are well on their way to 7, 5, and 4. I have to say, as physically demanding as my life is because of them (and all of their laundry) this is truly an enjoyable time with our kids. Every idea I ever had about being a parent is possible now...they can enjoy an amusement park, run wild at the park or on a playground, use a potty every time without fail, put all their own clothes on, hold conversation with me or any adult, express their own opinions, skip a nap without losing it completley, play sports. It's all happening everyday and we love it!

As much as Michael and I would like to grow our family even more, I do know how disruptive that would absolutely be to what we have going on now. Don't get me wrong, a baby or two is what we want, but what I am saying is that we can enjoy this waiting room. It is possible to enjoy the waiting room! My goal now is to soak up as much of my kids as I can while I am in this waiting room. And if I never leave this particular waiting room, then I have spent my kids entire life soaking up as much of them as I can...no harm in that! If the Lord ever decides to bless us with more children, I don't want to have any regrets with how I spent this time. Am I just waiting to get to the next thing or am I actually living my present out? I choose to live my present out!

Speaking of great ages, I am turning 29 in a few weeks...so excited! I love getting older...getting smarter, hopefully. I love being a more experienced person. I love understanding life more and coping better with the hard times. I love how much more I love my God. Almost all of my friends have turned 30 this year. I'm excited to be 30. I think my 30's are going to be great! I have officially entered the soccer mom years...the mini-van years...the family vacation years...the years when I hardly ever get alone time with my husband (that's a whole different blog). These are the years my kids will forever remember. These are the years I will forever remember. Thanks be to God for making my dreams come true in completely different and crazy ways that I would have never chosen or guessed, But I am so glad He did!

I will wait patiently, trusting you Lord, and enjoying the blessings you have already brought into my life, because I know for sure that you have the VERY BEST in mind for me...and right now that does not include pregnancy.

a

Breaking out of the bubble

2010-03-07T18:51:00.000-08:00

Having a child in public school has been just about the best way to break out of my safe little McKinney bubble. I love it! When we were deciding where to live, schools were one of the most important things we considered. Not which school has received the highest praise or which school has the most money, or even which school has the most kids who look just like my kids...but, Lord...which school would you have us be a part of?

After you have gone in and out of all of the reasons why you would prefer this school or that school, the last, final, and most important question is 'where does God want my child to attend and where does God want me to serve'? I spent so much time praying that exact thing before we made the decision to buy our house. I knew that this would be one of the most amazing opportunities to love others and represent my Lord that I would ever have. I actually think I got this one right.

It has taken me a while to get comfortable in this role as mom and especially in the role of mom-with-a-school-aged-kid, but what a rewarding experience.

Being on staff at the church for 4 and a half years now, it has been an honor to welcome, love and encourage young families. But I have to tell you, nothing has been more exciting to me than getting to know the staff and parents at Chad's school...people different from me, people who may or may not know the Lord, people of different faiths, a lot of people who would probably never enter through our church's doors or any other church's doors for that matter.

We are devoted as a family to represent the Lord in all walks of our life. We love serving our God at McKinney, but we also love serving our God outside of McKinney. Michael is coaching Brett and Chad's t-ball team this spring. The first practice is this Thursday night...more opportunity to love the families in our community!

God is really big and really cool!

a

Second Thought

2010-02-26T12:07:00.000-08:00

Today I was reminded of why I stopped writing on my blog (besides the whole 3 kids thing). It's just too easy to write a blog about God, instead of actually spending time with Him. I think I took a step back from blogging in order to assess my heart in it.

I also think this is true about great conversation/discussion about God. Those conversations serve to spur us along and inspire us towards God, but nothing truly great can happen in our relationship with God unless we are alone with him...no computer, no one else. I think we all want some kind of sympathy vote or something. Like the most wise, valuable counselor is not enough. The only one who can actually do anything about anything is God and yet we desire a human audience to make us feel...well, understood.

I am not knocking fellowship and wise counsel from other believers at all. I have friends that have served me well in this capacity. But we could all stand to give it a second thought. When we think we really need to talk to someone here on earth about life, stress, frustrations, etc....have we even talked to God about it?

We talk about Him all the time, but are we talking to Him?

a

Walking Wounded

2010-02-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

I am going through the book Conversations on Purpose with a friend right now and can I just say it is kicking my hiney! This book just really makes you work through a lot of stuff that is not super fun to work through. I actually consider myself a pretty self-aware person, but this takes it to a whole new level.

Today's chapter was titled 'Unearthing Blockades to Your Purposes'. Sounds delightful, right? There were four topics in this chapter: motives, fear, grief, and mistaken thinking. The sections I found particularly unsettling were fear and mistaken thinking. I am not sure I love discovering all of my weird fears, not to mention the mistaken thinking.

I feel far more screwed up than I did before I read through those lists...I knew I was a little screwed up. The author even recommended us at the beginning of the book to 'trust the process'...I never actually thought I would hear those words for real. And after realizing today that one of the parts of my mistaken thinking is 'Don't trust anyone', I am sure my skeptical heart will have a hard time 'trusting the process'.

Life is funny, though...I finished that chapter on all those gross, hard things...woke B and K up, got them in the van and headed for the carpool line to get Chaddy from kindergarten. Life goes on, even when we are walking wounded. I found myself looking around at all the other mini-van moms wondering if they could tell what my fears were by looking at me....heeheehee. And I also wondered what they had learned about themselves lately. How could anybody do life without Jesus?...that's what I was wondering...

a

More than just a mommy

2010-02-19T11:54:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for infertility in so many ways. It was the first really bad thing to ever happen to me. It helped me understand this sinful world and my loving God, and how those two somehow work together in an amazing way. Motherhood was my biggest dream. My ultimate ambition...fall in love, get married, stay happily married forever, and raise children in a Godly home.

As I realized that motherhood, for me, was not going to come quickly and may never come, I crumbled. Everything I had ever hoped for was wrapped up in the idea that I would be a mother...everything. After years of wrestling through all of this with God, I came away a different person...a better person. I still wanted and hoped for the family I had long desired, but I also wanted and hoped to be and do whatever He wanted. Somehow through all of the tears and anger and searching scripture and crying out for justice, I realized my own sin. I realized what I expected of God was for Him to fix my problems, instead of fixing me. I was the one who needed fixing, still do.

I am a mother now, by the grace of God. We have adopted 3 precious children. And now I see how infertility's legacy of blessing in my life is trickling down to my own children. Had I not learned everything I have learned, I would have probably put my children before my God. I would have felt worthwhile and lifted up because of my role as mother and not because of who I am in the Lord. I think this is a trap that a lot of mothers fall into unaware. We, as women, are so insecure. So many women are searching for significance in the wrong things. Motherhood, especially in the church, is the most exalted role a woman can have. I think so many womem use this role to give them significance, when what they don't realize is that they were significant long before they were ever blessed with children.

Let's not think that we are special just because we are mothers! This role is just one of the ways the Lord is choosing to use us in the world. And our daughters need to know that they are significant because of God and not because of any role or title they are blessed with. I am first a child of God, then a wife, and then a mother.

I know now that I am more than just a mommy.

a

Seeking Discipline

2010-02-15T14:38:00.000-08:00

It seems that one major thing the Lord has been throwing in my face this entire year is SELF-CONTROL. Basically, I am a mess...still recovering from about 17 months of ridiculous life-change. I am positive that any of you new moms, new married's, or new anything's understand. After major change enters, there is a fall out somewhere.

I have heard the words 'self-control' from my children who learned the fruits of the spirit last summer, from several sermons at my church and sermons on the radio, and just in random conversation with other believers. I actually use this word all the time with my own kids...what kind of teacher am I? Practice what you preach, Amanda! I have known for a long time that I needed to address this particular area of my life, but just plain did not have the guts.

I used to shy away from spiritual discipline...always been a bit of a Mary, instead of a Martha. I preferred my interactions with God to be always completely organic. I felt that if I made it so scheduled or orthodox that it would not be as intense or amazing. But now, I recognize the beauty in discipline, especially spiritual discipline. The intensity and amazement in our relationship with God has nothing to do with how we come before him and when, but it has everything to do with why we come before him. As my passion for Christ has grown, my ability to have a regimented time with Him has also grown. My knowledge has increased and in turn my desire to spend time with Him has increased. The more we learn of this God we serve, the more we are inclined to pursue Him. As everything else in my life has grown more regimented, so has my time with God.

From Mary to Martha in so many ways. I love Mary. She is super cool...completely free-spirited, loves Jesus, always in the moment. But if we were all Mary's who is going to make dinner, you know. I think Jesus rebuked Martha, not because of the choice she made to serve instead of sit, but because of her resentful attitude toward Mary. Yes, serve. You gotta get dinner ready, but keep your eyes focused on Jesus, not on your neighbor, not on your sister, not on your husband...ouch! Hope that last one pierced you as much as it pierced me.

It takes discipline and self-control for me to serve constantly. Especially when my tendency is to sit in silence and relish the beauty of God in quiet contemplation. I am so not knocking the silent relishing at all...so great and amazing. In fact some people may need to use self-control to sit silently relishing God. For me, that comes naturally. I have spent 17 months trying to be a Mary who is also the mother I want to be. I actually know amazing mothers who are Mary's. I, sadly, am not one of them. I think I will need to fall somewhere in between the two in order to fill this role of motherhood the way I want to. Is this yet another thing that I need to find balance in? Can't I live a happy life of extremes?!

Anyways, back to self-control. I am deciding that this year, 'Year 29' for me (I am turning 29 at the end of March) will be marked by an all-out effort to practice self-control. This will entail spiritual as well as physical discipline.

Areas requiring an extra measure of discipline:

eating
drinking (cokes, not alcohol...come on people!)
exercising
writing again
reading the good book daily
prayer every day, and at least 1 especially long prayer time per week
holding my tongue...particularly when it comes to my kids
taming the temper...particularly when it comes to my kids
doing the laundry and actually folding and putting it away in the same day

Please don't be a critic of how horribly legalistic this whole thing seems...seems. See, I need discipline in this way. You may not. You may be a great task person. You may need a different kind of discipline. I know that none of this alone will get me closer to God. I am not trying to win favor from God. I already have favor. I genuinely desire more discipline in my life because I want to honor Him with my life, every aspect and every detail.

Of course, some of these things are significantly more important than others. I am completely aware of that. I am also completley aware that I will crash and burn a lot this year. But I am, right here and now, before all of you...or maybe just before Tracey Shellum (the only one still reading) commiting 'Year 29' to the use and incorporation of Self-Control!

Let the games begin! Oh yeah, the Olympics are on right now...the spirit of the Olympics has even permeated my writing.

a

7 years of wedded bliss!

2009-07-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

Bliss may not be the exact right word, but anyway...Today is our 7th wedding anniversary and we are looking backward and forward at the same time. It's always a good reminder of where we have come from and always exciting to think of where we will be in another year. All in all, I have a pretty great guy, a super great guy.

If there is a day to celebrate your husband, then your anniversary is probably the day, so here goes:

Michael,

It has been a great honor to be your wife these 7 years. You are not perfect, but you are perfect for me. I love you more and more all the time. I am thankful for your laugh, your encouragement, your hard work, your humility, your friendship. I am thankful that you are kind-hearted, quiet, strong, and hansome, so hansome...wink, wink. I am thankful that you chose me. I am thankful, even for your shortcomings, because it is in those that I have learned the most about myself and my God. You are my best friend and my favorite daddy. Thank you for being you and for loving me!

Your loving wife,

Amanda

I wonder what God's going to do next!

It is finished!

2009-04-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

They are officially Kashuba's! The adoption part is finished, but the parenting part will continue for the rest of our lives. I will never be able to fully explain what it felt like to walk out of that courtroom today and complete this crazy journey. From the first conversation I had with my friend Ashley over 4 years ago to going to court today...we had no idea what we were getting into. When I spoke with my friend Ashley 4 years ago, she and her husband were in the final stages of becoming licensed to get their kids. I remember thinking how amazing she was and how happy I was for her new family. Little did I know that just 4 years later I would be following in her foot steps. God planted a seed that day, a tiny speck of a seed and then he continued to water it, tend to it, pull out the weeds and see that it was grown into what is now our beautiful family. Ashley and her husband were there today at court. I thought that was fitting considering they were the ones who started it all!

I am reminded today of so many prayers...pouring my heart out to the Lord. I remember the first time I prayed for my kids. I did not know their names or ages or how many of them there would be, but I prayed for them right where they were and sobbed at the thought that they needed their momma and for some reason God knew it would be better for them to take the long route getting to us. I struggle to find the words to explain what I know to be true about God. Some things don't make sense...or at least I can't explain them. All I know is how I feel and what God has revealed to me. I do feel sad that I did not get to have my kids from day 1, but I know that God's amazing plan is being revealed all the time in my life and in the life of my kids. I am honored to know Him just a little. I am honored to be the mother of my 3 precious little ones. None of us our perfect, not one, and this world is a scary place, but our God is beautiful and just and holy and perfect. He takes risks. He does not fit in our minds or in any box. He is adventurous and life with Him is a wild ride...one that I am glad to be on.

Oh God, you are my God and I will ever praise you! We ask for your wisdom this day and every day after to be the kind of parents you want us to be. This is all in service to you. Help us to keep the faith.

amanda

Gathering my thoughts

2009-02-03T12:27:00.000-08:00

The best part about Tuesday afternoons is nap time. The little ones and I come home, eat lunch, and then they both lay down for some needed rest after their big morning at church. When the kids go down, mommy gets to do whatever she wants for about an hour and a half, usually. I am trying to be disciplined to do more than just chores during nap time. There are plenty of chores that could take up my whole break if I let them. At least half of the time I try to devote to reading, writing, watching t.v., or just sitting quietly and staring---which is actually one of my very favorite things to do.

Today, I read some of my old blog posts and stared at the wall. I find that my thoughts get so overloaded in my brain these days because I do not have as much time to process as I used to have. It's like the only cure for an overloaded brain is sitting and staring for a while....just organizing and filing my thoughts away. If my brain was a desk it would be completely crazy with piles all over and no filing system...no need for jokes about my actual desk right now---that's just too easy.

My physical body has caught up to all of the extra work that comes with having 3 kids. Now, I am just waiting for my brain to catch up.

Amanda

No personal space.

2009-01-11T18:15:00.000-08:00

I have never really considered myself a "private" person, but having three kids under the age of 5 has made me crave privacy like I crave Sunkist...many of you know of my addiction to the orange goodness that is Sunkist.

Wow. My kids run what they call a man-on-man defense, except I would probably describe them as being on offense. Michael and I are the ones on defense for sure. Also, they travel in a pack. If one of them has a mind to follow me around, then all of them do...do you know what I mean...do you really understand the depths of this? And of course one of them always has a mind to follow me around.

Several years ago a good friend was telling me about her daughter following her around all day long and she happened to mention that she followed her in the bathroom. I, in my lack of experience, exclaimed, "What about when you go number 2?". She quickly retorted, "Honey, I could go number 13 and she would be there!". Words fail me!

I used to get so sick of hearing myself talk when I taught at the preschool. Now that reality has followed me home...oh to sit in silence and not have to speak.

On a more serious note, we are doing very well! We had an extremely eventful journey to Canada for Christmas and back...4 airplanes, 2 canceled flights, some other minor delays, and a 6 hour drive did the trick. The kids had a ball in the snow, and boy did it snow. It was such a blessing for the kids to get to know those crazy Kashuba's. We had such a Merry Christmas!

We are getting back in the groove of being home and back in school. Michael and I feel like we have conquered the world after surviving all the travel with our sense of humor still in tact.

So much more good to come! Every day we bond more as a family. I remember the first month, every now and then I would have one of those moments where I could see walls falling down and true joy happening, and now they happen every day. It is so easy to lose track of the most important things because we are so busy taking care of the kids. I pray every day to have the focus I need to love well. I pray this for you and your family as well.

Happy New Year! Blessings in 2009!

amanda, michael, and the kids

p.s. Pray for a buyer for our house!

This one is for you Tracey! Thanks for holding me accountable to writing. You are probably the only one still reading.

We don't dwell on it, we excel on it.

2008-11-18T19:18:00.001-08:00

This is a quote from Iditarod tonight...Michael's new obsession. It's something new every week with this guy. I thought it was pretty funny and wanted to share it.

All is well in our household. We are doing pretty good and having so much fun. The kids are getting really into playing baseball, so that is pretty exciting for us. You should see our little girl swing a bat, one-handed I might add. And the boys are having a blast...we do have a lefty which is super awesome.

At first it was hard to relax and actually enjoy them, which was weird for me. I never thought that relaxing and enjoying my children would be hard for me, but I really struggled. It seems like just last week or the week before I started to be able to really laugh at how hilarious they are. Boy how that changes everything! Laughter really is the best medicine!

Prayer requests for now would be:

Paperwork---I stink at it and our caseworker has to call me all the time. She is so sweet and I want to do a good job for her.

A buyer for our house---the duplex is great, but it is way past time to upgrade the accomodations.

Where to live---once the house is sold, we will need to buy and we have no idea where to buy next...Fort Worth, SW Arlington, Kennedale, Rendon...and don't even get me started on the neighborhoods!

A

Teaching-on-the-fly!

2008-10-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

I have so many things to say, but no time to say them! Even my communication with Michael is slim to none these days. We are both so tired when we get a chance to talk that nothing seems to come out...even though I think all day long, "Man, I really need to tell Michael about this." I guess that is part of the whole thing. I am working and praying through ways to give myself more time each week. I really want to start jogging again and I don't even remember what a quiet time is. Journaling is such an important part of my life also, but I have not journaled since the kids came. I am starting to get creative, though. I will figure it out. I have to...for the health of me and my family.

Rest assured God is teaching me a million things a day right now. The trouble is I don't have time to write them down and I am probably forgetting 90% of it. Here are just a couple of the things I have learned:

1. Working mothers rock my face off!
2. Praise God for intercessory prayer!
3. "It takes a village" is very true and an amazing thing to watch happen.
4. Girls Night Out is easily the best thing I have ever heard of.
5. Michael is such a morning person! (and such not a night person)
6. Staying calm and in routine are keys to the success of my home.
7. People versus program for sure...even if your house is messier and dinner is
grilled cheese sandwiches. (kids love grilled cheese!)
8. Your eyes say everything.
9. I am hopelessly flawed as a mother, but completely forgiven by Jesus.
10. Motherhood is just like being a teacher, except you are not ever prepared in advance, well-rested, or as patient as you would like to be. Motherhood is teaching, but it is teaching-on-the-fly...while you are super busy and focused on something totally different than whatever you are asked to teach at that moment. You can't walk out of the classroom and go home to your quiet car and home. You can't spend time pondering the exact right way to present the lesson. You don't ever have the supplies that you would want to have to give your lesson. Wherever you are is now the classroom: grocery store, car, bathroom, bedroom, backyard, parking lot. I am so much more of a teacher now than I have ever been!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
Amanda

Don't run away from hard things!

2008-10-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

I think we have hit our stride...at least for now. The newness of everything made the kids extra "special" for the first few weeks, but now they seem to be settling in to routine quite nicely. The honeymoon is over though. They are not scared to tell us exactly how they feel about things, and in turn, we are not scared to tell them exactly how we feel about things. There is lots of learning going on around here...us and them. The good thing is that with every day we grow closer as a family, so the disciplining is starting to come from a loving father and mother and not just from random people...this helps a lot. It has been only 3 weeks and we have a long, long road ahead of us, but I do feel like we have made some serious progress in this short time. I am thankful for so many things, but right now I am ridiculously thankful that Michael and I persevered through some of the hardest moments in our life to get us to this point! "But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength!" I took the liberty of adding the exclamation point! Thanks be to God!

The most amazing thing I have experienced is how God reminds me every day where I have been. He is making me aware of blessing upon blessing...how he prepared us for what we are doing now. Everything I have done, seen, heard for my whole life is coming back to me and giving me wisdom in parenting...even when I didn't know I was learning, I was totally learning. As I am going through my day I have memories flash in my mind of a conversation with a mom, of watching someone interact with their kid, of a moment with one of my students, a moment with my parents and how I felt. All kinds of things like that. And every time I am thankful for the preparation that God has put me through. Even our time with Jesse and Conner has proved an amazing learning experience for us as parents...God doesn't waste anything. God be with those sweet boys, even when I can not.

This is a hard thing that we are doing, in so many ways. I do wonder why God chose this path for us and them. Why did it have to take this long for me to meet my kids? Why could I not have been given the amazing blessing of cradling these childen as newborn babies? I don't know the answer to all of these questions, but I do trust God. This world is broken...my inability to conceive and their previous circumstance are a great testament to the brokeness of this world, but look what God has done to turn the bad into good....LOOK WHAT GOD HAS DONE!

Hard things that require great sacrifice on our part, when the Lord is in them, will bring great blessings too. If God tells you to do the hard thing, do the hard thing!

a

Our duplex overfloweth!

2008-09-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all of your prayers! It has been a great transition! I think the kids were just as ready to meet their forever mommy and daddy as we were ready to meet them! It's actually weird how natural and easy it has been. We are a crazy circus over here, but we wouldn't have it any other way!

The oldest had his first day in his new kindergarten class today. We prayed with him Sunday night that God would help him and that he would remember that Jesus was always with him. It was just precious to see the look on his face when the teacher walked him out to the car and exclaimed, "He had a great first day mom!" He was so proud and so was I! For a reward Michael took him to get a library card and even got him a wallet to put his card in. He loves reading books, helping with dinner, and getting special time with mommy and daddy. His smile and laugh are contagious!

The middle child is the investigator in the bunch. He has opened or tried to open every drawer, cabinet, you name it, in our entire house. Thank goodness for those baby locks. If there is something dangerous within a mile radius I think he will be the one to find it. We were wondering in the woods behind my mom's house and he found an ant hill with ants crawling all over it...he stared at it intently for like 15 minutes...so funny. He also had fun picking up sticks and digging in the dirt. Also, he is super sneaky...you gotta watch this kid around play-doh. He has the biggest brown puppy dog eyes and he knows how to use them!

And then there is our little girl. She is just a little thing, but she holds her own pretty well against the boys. Her favorite word is "no" spoken in several different tones...pouty "no", silly "no", playful "no", and mad "no". She even cries the word "no". I think once her vocabulary gets a little bigger the use of this particular word may decrease a bit. She does love to cuddle and have mommy or daddy all to herself. Her tiny voice and big smile will melt you!

They are all completely adorable, yet totally different, and we are just thrilled!

Michael was off to work yesterday and he probably called 100 times. You should have seen the madhouse when he got home! It was like wrestle-mania 5000 and I nearly cried for joy at the sight of him! That last hour is pretty ridiculous with all 3 here and trying to get dinner ready. Michael is the most amazing dad and I truly love and adore him! He is so helpful and understanding. We are a great team! Except last night when he couldn't read my mind and I was too tired to speak...room to grow!

Love all of you,

Amanda

More News

2008-09-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

Okay...the kids will be here at 10am on Friday. Michael is taking off of work for Friday to be here with us. Their caseworker is bringing them over. I am sure we will be looking out the front blinds and then we will greet them on the front step. Basically, we will watch them get out of the car and that will be the first time we will have ever seen them...talk about walking by faith!

I am planning on staying home with the two youngest this first week for sure and then playing it by ear to see when we should put them in their ELC classes.

We have heard that the oldest is very curious and articulate. I think he asks a lot of questions. The middle child is very shy and quiet. Today we found out that the little girl can have a bit of an attitude...feisty like her momma! All of the kids have blonde hair. We are just ready to meet them and see for ourselves what they are like.

Oh yeah, they have used the word "active" to describe our kids also! We're perfect for each other!

The rest of this week I will be preparing everything at work for my absence, visiting the oldests new school, buying school supplies, and probably cleaning like crazy.

This whole thing is emotionally very draining. I am so excited, and yet I am reminded of Jesse and Conner. God be with those sweet boys and prepare us for this next adventure.

A

Here Comes Trouble!

2008-09-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

We heard last night that they plan to bring the kids to next Friday, September 12th! They are still confirming everything and we will hear finalized information on Monday. We are so excited and I really think that having this week to sort of process and think through everything is really good. A week is just the right amount of time...not too quick and not too far off.

We will have next weekend with all of them and then come Monday morning Chad is off to kindergarten! This is so scary for mommy because I feel very under-experienced in the whole elementary school scenario. Michael and I have been working through all of the logistics involved this morning already.

Michael is probably the most un-organized person I know, so keeping him focused on any sort of schedule is super hard. Also, he absolutely refuses to make decisions on the spot. He likes to think on them for a long while ususally. I asked him lots of questions already this morning and he finally just pooped out. He is having a nap right now. I guess all of that thinking and organizing can wear a guy out. We are trying to decide who will take the oldest to school, when we need to get his school supplies, school dress code issues...you name it! We will get it all figured out, we just might need to take several breaks for Michael to rest...so funny!

This is just another great reminder that sometimes I can be a little too much for the poor guy...especially in the last 6 months or so. I have organized, re-organized, packed stuff up, and then un-packed it about a hundred times. I think I am grasping for control in a situation that is completely out of my conrol. I just want to be as prepared as possible for this gigantic leap forward that my life is about to take. No carrying a child in my belly for 9 months, no having one infant enter our life first and then a gradual growth into a family of five. Next Friday, three kids ages 5, 3, and 2 will be dropped off at my house to come and live with me forever!

The only thing that keeps us moving forward in such an insane process is knowing most assuredly that we have been called to this by our Heavenly Father...most assuredly! I am so thankful for the clear direction that we have graciously been given. The first day that Jesse and Conner were taken Michael and I, in our grief and distress, questioned our decision. That was a Thursday, when they were taken, and by Sunday morning we were both ready to get back in the game. That doesn't mean that we were not still mourning our loss and that I haven't cried everyday for those boys. It just means that, regardless of the pain that we have experienced and may still experience in this process, God has put a call on our life and we will answer that call. Meeting Jesse and Conner only served to motivate us even more to be a part of what God is doing in the life of these precious children.

I will update everyone when I know exactly what time the kids will get here! Pray for us as we meet our kids for the first time!

Amanda

No news is good news?

2008-08-25T14:40:00.000-07:00

No news is for sure not good news for me. Our caseworker was on vacation last week, so we were hoping to hear something today. We are waiting to find out what the time frame is...meeting the kids, visits, getting to bring the kids home with us, etc. I actually consider myself a reasonably patient person. This has been a real test for me...and guess what I am failing miserably.

I have been telling myself all day today and ever since we heard about these 3 kids that God's timing is perfect, but let's face it people...I just flat disagree with God right now. The sad part is that I know He is right and His ways are perfect, so my disagreement is a huge waste of my time and energy.

This reminds me of when I was a kid and I would be in an argument with my mom or dad. Usually at some point in the argument they would start making a whole lot more sense than me (usually) and that's when I would get really mad. I wanted to be right so bad, but I knew I was wrong. Did that stop me from arguing for a while longer? No way! I wanted things my way, even though I knew they had the best for me in mind. I've got a lot of fight in me. We all do, don't we?

It's just like that with God, isn't it? I really do know that He is good and perfect, but I want it my way! I want to meet my kids now! I can be such a brat! The truth is that God has orchestrated the perfect time for them to enter our world. He loves those kids more than I do, more than I can imagine. He knows what's right for them and for us. I don't understand His ways at all...not a lick, but I do know that He loves me and my children.

God, I pray for the patience I need to endure this moment in my life. I pray that you would not bring those kids to us until it is time. Forgive me for putting up a fight. I want what you want. It just takes me a while to figure it out sometimes. I'm still figuring.

Hopefully we will hear something soon...hope...there is that word again.

Amanda

3 kids!?!

2008-08-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

Chad (5), Brett (3), and Kaylie (almost 2)! God, are these our kids? We have been selected for these 3 kids. They have told us that they want to place them this week, but we have been given no timeline as of yet. We are hoping to bring them home on Friday night. Please pray for us to be patient in this process. Our caseworker has something like 30 families on her case load and Michael and I could dominate her with our excitement and anticipation alone. We have to remember that there are several other families in our same position right now. We are waiting to hear when we can meet our kids!

We have been so blessed by everyone around us. Our only needs are hand-me-down clothes. They just sent me these sizes.

Kaylie: 24 months through 2T, shoe size 5 to 5 1/2, size 3 diapers

Brett: mainly 3T, some 4T, shoe size 7, size 4 diapers at night

Chad: 4T & 5 clothing, 4T for pants/shorts is better, shoe size 8 1/2 or 9

Please don't spend any more money on us. Everyone has been so generous and we are so thankful! Hand-me-downs are perfect!

lots of love,

Amanda

Boom Goes the Dynamite!!!

2008-08-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

Please watch. This will brighten your day! Boom goes the dynamite!

Harder days

2008-08-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

I mistakenly thought that I had prepared myself for all of the awful reminders that were possible. I knew I would get a lot of people congratulating me because they had not heard the bad news yet. I know that there are still some congratulations out there. I feel somewhat prepared for that...it's never easy, but I can handle it. I really believed that my devious mind had already thought through every horrible incident that was possible. I really believed that until yesterday.

I was in my cubicle trying to focus and work when my cell phone rang. I answered it and they asked for Mrs. Kashuba. When I clarified that I was Mrs. Kashuba, they reminded me of an appointment we had made for Jesse. I was shocked and embarrassed to have to answer back, "We don't have them anymore." I quickly got off the phone and after a few deep sighs and prayers went back to work. I think I actually forgot all about it after only 5 minutes or so...that was until about an hour ago. I answered my phone only to be reminded of Conner's 4 month check-up, which is scheduled for tomorrow.

Now why in the world did these 2 calls have to come less than 24 hours apart? I will never understand the timing of everything. The call yesterday is one thing, but the one this morning...YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

It's amazing how much I had already planned ahead in our life together. The first doctor's visit went so badly...Conner screamed the whole time. I had already planned that there was no way I could take both of them by myself. Michael was for sure going to take off of work for this appointment. Conner was supposed to get more shots.

We have a couple of parties that have been scheduled for a while coming up. I had already thought through what it would look like to bring the boys with us...naps, feedings, etc. I just want to hurry and get to the point where I have not already included the boys in my plans. Every time one of these events comes up I am reminded of what I lost and I am sad.

I miss those boys. Not everyday brings such reminders, though. There are hard days and harder days. Today is just a harder day, but who knows maybe tomorrow will be full of sunshine, laughter, pretty flowers, puppies, and cute earrings...some of my favorite things!

Amanda

Hope Junkie

2008-08-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

I think I have decided that false hope is better than no hope at all, at least for a hope junkie such as myself...at least in this world. I would not recommend relying on false hope for your salvation. My hope for salvation is solid and secure because of Jesus. I am talking about hope in our circumstances. I rely on hope everyday. I am too much of an optimist to settle for no hope at all. Hope for a family, hope for the home we will do life in, hope for what adventures God has in store for us...all kinds of hope really. My belief that God will one day bless us with children is what allows me to keep on going. If I did not really believe that, then I don't think I would be able to get out of bed most days. See, my greatest ambition in life is to serve God well by being a wife and mother...and by doing whatever else He asks me to do. There have not been too many moments in my journey through infertility and now through adoption where I lost all hope for my future family. The down side of being such a hope junkie is that in a moment where all hope is gone, the burden can be unbearable. The up side is that I don't stay in that place for very long. I will find hope in almost any circustance.
The truth is that the only hope we can rely on is the hope we have in Jesus. The work He did on the cross paves the way for us to have eternal life if we accept his free gift. I know this to be true. "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" Matthew 16:26 As good and wonderful as my dreams for a family may be, they are ultimately dreams for this world. At this point in my life I do believe that God has called Michael and I to adoption and that God wants to use it to bless us and our children, but his ways are greater than my ways. I do not pretend to understand what He is doing in my life or in anyone else's life. I praise Him, not because He gives me good gifts, but because He is God!
I also believe that God does provide, in his graciousness, hope in our circumstances. He doesn't have to. We don't deserve it, but sometimes He brings it anyways. Several times in the last month and a half, I have felt myself slip into the pit of no hope. The night before Jesse and Conner came to our house, I was there. The very next day we got those sweet boys. He brought me hope when I needed it. Now I know it all ended suddenly. They were not meant to provide me with my long-term dream for a family. They gave me a precious taste of motherhood. They provided me with some needed hope. It did not take us long to pick ourselves up after the boys were taken, mainly because of the hope we have for our family...our kids who are still out there. But then after being back on the list for over 2 weeks and hearing nothing, I was starting to feel hopeless again. That was yesterday. I had a meltdown with some sweet friends and then within an hour we got a call on some more kids. Nothing is official yet. I do not know if these are our kids, but God knew I needed hope and He provided. He is so gracious! God let me always remember how you provide in this world and let me always remember my solid hope in Jesus! When you feel hopeless, start looking for that little spark of hope. Our God is a god of HOPE! "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

much love,
amanda

Gone, but never forgotten

2008-07-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one week since we said good-bye to Jesse and Conner. We will never see them again in this life, but we will continue to pray for them as long as we live. We believe that the love we shared with Jesse and Conner, for almost three weeks, mattered for eternity. I was talking to a great friend right after we got the boys about my fears of losing them and what that would do to me. It makes you want to hold back your love in some way to protect your own heart until the adoption is final. She understood my fears and listened to me for a long time and then she said, "No matter what happens, God would never want anyone to withold love from a little child". She said, "He will always bless you for loving". And so I decided that night on my couch that I was going to love them with all I had and my God was big enough to heal even the most broken of hearts. They were mine for almost three weeks. I was a mommy for almost three weeks. And it was pretty amazing. And my God is big enough to heal my broken heart. He has already begun. God will never waste love.

As most of you know, I am such a people person. After last weekend, being so sad and staying home, I knew it was time for me to be with people again. I went to the Women's Bible Study on Tuesday morning at my church. We are doing the 5 Love Languages this summer. It was really great for me to be there for lots of reasons, but the teaching that morning was of particular significance to me. We were learning about acts of service which is so not my love language. (I am quality time all the way.) We were shocked to find out on Wednesday at 3:30pm that we would not be keeping the boys forever like we intended to. Thursday at 3:30pm the boys were picked up from our house and that was the last time we saw them. In that 24 hour period I learned more about acts of service than I have learned in all of my 27 years. I think most mother's understand this love language pretty well. I mean mother's are constantly serving those that they love. I think the reason those last 24 hours stand out so much to me is because until we got that call we were serving the boys and serving ourselves. We have prayed and prayed for a family and so this felt like the biggest blessing to us...to be able to bathe and feed and serve these children, our children, was an answer to prayer. We felt completely and entirely loved by God and so our love was not completely self-less. But when we knew we would lose them and we still had to take care of all of their needs and give them the same love we had been giving. That was the greatest act of service I have ever and probably will ever give. I have never felt so completely self-less in anything I have ever done. It was excruciating to love them, knowing we would lose them. I prayed the entire 24 hours I think...just for strength to die to myself...to put my feelings aside for the good of Jesse and Conner. We are all capable of so much more than we allow for God to cultivate in us. I pray that I never forget what I am capable of because of the power of Jesus Christ in me. "Serve one another in love." Galatians 5:13 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23-24

Life is hard, but God is good! We are back on the list, waiting for another chance to love a child...and waiting for God to answer our prayers for a family. With God, there is always hope. Let us never forget where we have been.

a

Worst day of my life

2008-07-11T04:38:00.000-07:00

The boys are gone. We are devastated. Please pray. Hopefully soon we will be able to explain more of the details. As for now, we are living a nightmare. Last night was the death of a dream...the dream of the family we have prayed and prayed for and the dream of watching these precious boys grow. God will help us pick up the pieces, but right now it seems impossible to hope again. We don't know what God is doing, but we are clinging to Him and his goodness. Even though this does not feel like the goodness of God, we can be confident that He is here with us and that He is always good.

Jesus loves me this I know,

Amanda

An embarrassment of riches!

2008-06-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be one week since the boys came to stay! We are all adjusting very well. The last 3 days have felt quite normal actually...a new kind of normal that is! Conner wakes up once a night around 1 or 2am. He gets a bottle and a burp and he goes back down until around 6am. Jesse goes to bed between 7:30 and 8:00pm and sleeps like a rock until 7:30-8:00am...what a blessing! Tonight was the first night he started to be a bit of a stinker about going to bed. He just wanted to play and be crazy instead of laying still. He was just rolling all around the bed and giggling. It was so cute! He gave out just before 8:00pm, though. I had to call in the reinforcements (Michael) to get him to lay still. He was just cracking me up! Michael has been so good with him. Between the hours of 8am and 8pm it's a whole lot of eating, washing, holding, laughing, feeding, playing, crying, dancing, teaching, and most of all loving! And we wouldn't have it any other way!

It is so weird to get to know your son when he is already 20 months old. Jesse is such a ham...he loves to show-off and he will do anything for a laugh. And he for sure knows how cute he is, which is good and bad. When he gets into trouble by not listening to mommy and daddy he has to sit in the naughty spot. If he catches you looking at him while he is in the naughty spot, then he gives the biggest cheesy grin ever and then he laughs...such a stinker. Jesse is becoming more and more affectionate everyday. He follows Michael all over the house and if Michael goes outside, then Jesse stands in the front window and watches him. Starting Sunday night, he gave me so many kisses and hugs when I layed him down and that has continued every night since...precious. And just today, for the first time, he wanted to hold my hand while we walked. He is such a boy! Jumping, throwing, crashing, splashing, running: these are his favorite things. We play a children's worship CD during breakfast and it really gets him going. The first day he just kind of watched me dance around to the music and grinned. Now he asks for the music by pointing at the CD player and thanks to Aunt Heather he has now started dancing...his first move was the 360 degree spin! Heather quickly taught him some nice shoulder movements. Michael and I are working on teaching him the classic booty shake and my personal favorite-the head bob. He is a handful, but worth all of the work and worth the wait!

Conner is just a smiley little baby boy. When he is not sleeping, eating, burping, or being bounced he loves to lay on his back or his belly and check everything out. He is always cooing. What a sweet sound that is! When we talk to him he gives the biggest smile and it just melts us. I can't believe how quickly he has gotten to know us. I did not expect for him to attach to me so quickly. God has an amazing way of working all of that out. He has already grown a lot. He is getting some serious chub. I feel like his double chin just came up over night. Conner loves to cuddle with momma and momma loves to cuddle with him. I am thrilled to watch him grow and see his little personality start to develop.

God has an amazing plan for all of us and that includes Jesse and Conner. They are an amazing gift from God and we are humbled to receive such an amazing blessing. We got the boys last Friday night and the night before I had a melt down. I just cried out to God in anguish. It was such an emotionally hard week. Our adoption agency kept calling us every day with different names of children that we may be selected for and they kept falling through one by one. I guess my patience just finally crumbled and I lost my faith in God's amazing plan for my life. After waiting 4 years and never conceiving and then being called to adoption and then the long and hard road to adoption...I felt like I had been patient for long enough I guess. When Michael called me on Friday afternoon and told me about the boys, I didn't even get excited at first. I thought it was going to be just like all of the other ones and it wouldn't work out. If I had only known what God knew. I cried today when I thought about my lack of faith, and then I realized that if that had not happened Thursday night, then I may have been tempted to think that the boys were my reward for being so faithful...ridiculous. Because of Thursday night, I am not tempted to think I deserve any of this. I know for sure that these boys came straight from the Lord. And they are the culmination of years and years of prayers. Over four years ago, we started praying that God would bless us with children. We had no idea at that time the journey that we had begun and what God had in mind, but little by little he started to reveal his plan and now here we stand in awe of it all! It is just incredible how quickly God can change everything when the timing is right. What an amazing celebration of praise! God is so good! Let us never forget His goodness!

To our family and friends:
We could not ask for more love and support. I am overwhelmed by all of the prayers, meals, calls, and gifts. All of you are a large part of why Michael and I felt so blessed even before Jesse and Conner came into our life. First we have Jesus, each other, all of you, and now Jesse and Conner. We are overflowing with love and praise! Thank you for loving us and our new sons!

Amanda

p.s. Monday I am flying solo for the first time. Michael is off to work.

Jesse and Conner

2008-06-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

For those of you that haven't heard we were placed with two beautiful boys yesterday. I received a phone call at 2:50 pm and by 7 pm they were in our home. Before I take a nap I figured I should add some pictures for all to see.

Jesse - A little cowboy. After breakfast this morning I got him dressed and he headed straight to the box with shoes and dragged out his trusty ol' boots. He is 20 months old and is extremely outgoing and loves to climb.

Conner - He is the youngest of the two boys. He is 2 1/2 months old and absolutely loves to cuddle with his mom. He had a great nap this morning after a restless night.

We will update and add pictures as soon as we take some more. Right now.....I'm taking a nap.

Maleah & Tyson?

2008-05-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

So I had a dream the other night that I got the call telling me they have found our kids! It was the best dream ever. I so did not want to wake up! In the dream, they told me that we were getting 2 twin boy 2 year olds. I was so excited I could feel my heart beating in my throat. The dream was so crazy...they actually told me the names of the boys. I can't remember what the first name was, but I remember thinking that I really liked it. And the second name was Tyson. I had already decided in my dream that we would just call him Ty. When I awoke from this exciting dream, my heart was still beating so hard and I could not stop smiling. Oh, I am so excited for the day they actually call me. It was 4am when I woke up, and I could not go back to sleep at all. I got up and decided that God wanted me to be awake, so I went into the living room to pray for our kids.

Names are such a big deal to me. It has been quite a process for me...learning to be okay with a name that I may not choose. People ask me all the time, "Are you going to change their name?". My answer is always the same, "It depends on how old they are and how terrible the name is.". And that is still my answer. It's just that I really don't want to change the name. I don't want to take it away from them. Their name could be the only gift they ever get from their biological parents. We will change their middle names, and of course, their last name. My prayer right now is that when I do hear their names, I immediately feel like that is the right name. That way I would not even want to change their name. We'll see though...I am open to changing the names or not changing the names.

Another name that came into my head randomly, like 4-5 months ago, was Maleah. I have no idea where it came from, just like Tyson. I have never even heard of anyone named Maleah. It's so weird. All I know is that if I get a call for a Maleah and Tyson, I will wet my pants right there!

Seriously though, I really think that all of this is just teaching me more and more about how I can let go of some of my fantasy notions of what parenthood will be like. I can let go and it doesn't have to be a sad thing. I can let go because I know that what God has planned for me is far greater than anything I could ever dream up. And I am not only letting go of things, I am gaining some even grander things. I am not trading down. I am trading up! God's way is always better!

We never know how or when God is going to answer our prayers. I think most of us have a pretty good understanding that God does things in His time, not in ours. We fuss and moan and sometimes trust, but we know that in His time He will answer. I think our problem is that we are expecting one thing and He may never answer in the very way we expect. It's just like the Israelites. They were waiting for the Messiah to come and they expected him to be a warrior. So when Christ came on a donkey (of all things) and spoke of love and forgiveness and then chose death to save all of us, many did not believe he was the Messiah. God sent the Messiah, but He didn't look or act like they thought He would so many missed Him. How many prayers are answered and we just miss them completely?

Michael and I could have never dreamed of all that is happening to us right now through this adoption process. I was going to bear children that we would name and we would have them from their very first breath...oh and they would look just like us. These are just a few of the things we expected. And these are not bad things to expect. This is usually the way things go down, but sometimes among God's many blessings there is a suprise waiting! We serve a creative God! He doesn't always answer prayers in a usual way. He answers prayers in the best way possible--because He loves us so much!

So many of our prayers have already been answered. I can't wait to see what God's going to do next!

We are still not officially approved. We should be in the next two weeks or so. Thanks for your constant support!
Amanda

Hurry up and wait!

2008-05-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

All of our work is done for now. The home study went great! Stephanie was so sweet! This last weekend was eerily quiet. We did not have any thing to do and that is exactly what we needed. I am having to adjust back to what "normal" was before adoption took over. The hilarious part is as soon as I get adjusted back we will probably get the kids. After that, I am sure that life as we know it is gone for good. Although the physical work part of this process is over for now, the emotional work part of it is getting heavier every day. It's really amazing how much this decision has stretched us in every way you can imagine. The latest struggle I have been dealing with is the fear of losing Michael. It's weird how these things just come out of nowhere...or maybe I watched P.S. I Love You the other day and that stirred all of this up. Who knows? The only thing I do know is that when I saw that movie in the theaters last December it did not send my mind reeling, like it is now. I guess the thought of parenting our kids without him scares me a bit. My friend Heather always reminds me that, "Fear is not of the Lord." And she is right, by the way. My security should not rest in Michael or anyone else in this world, but only in Christ. How many times will I screw this one up! Me and Jesus...we can do this thing! We can totally do this thing!

so much love and gratefulness,

Amanda

HOME STUDY HERE WE COME!

2008-04-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, so yesterday, Tuesday, April 29th, our case worker called me on the way to work. They finally heard back from the FBI about our fingerprints, so our home study will be next Tuesday, May 6th at 4:00pm. She is going to interview me first, and then when Michael gets home at 5:30pm she can interview him. Then she can interview us together. We are going to be all interviewed out when the night is over! I have talked to our case worker several times on the phone, but I have not actually met her yet. I am excited. She is totally sweet and funny on the phone. It will be great to see her face! My biggest prayers are for Clover to be on her best behavior and for us to be able to communicate well with our case worker. I want her to really get to know us! She is a huge part of the decision making process. I know that she prays everyday for wisdom from the Lord. Let's pray with her! Her name is Stephanie!

We have a busy weekend. I need to put the finishing touches on the kid's room and do some minor organizing/ cleaning here at the house. I will be sewing curtains and pillow covers. Of course, Michael wants the yard to be perfect. First things first, right? And I don't want to have any dust or laundry laying around, you know what I mean? The home study is the last step in this huge process. After next Tuesday, everything is out of our hands, where it should be.

I am so aware of God's timing right now. He has orchestrated the exact time that we would be done with our paperwork and ready for kids. Ever since we started this whole ordeal, we have made ourselves deadlines. We have actually missed every single deadline along the way. And the FBI took way longer on the fingerprints than they normally do. It hasn't even bothered me, even though I am so anxious to get my kids. I just feel God's hand in every detail. He has the exact kids and the exact moment picked out and we can't screw that up! Thank you God for loving us so much that you would not allow us to miss such an amazing opportunity! Thank you God for not allowing me to screw anything up! I feel more and more confident everyday that God is right in the midst of this thing. Not my will, but yours!

Continue to pray that God would soften our hearts and the hearts of our kids. Pray that God would ready all of us to accept and love each other the way that we are called to. Pray that God would be honored in our home always. I have an overwhelming feeling lately that my kids are safe and happy. I am so thankful for whoever is taking care of them. Pray for their foster parents right now. Thank you God for these kind people that are loving my children well. I pray for so many blessings for my children's foster parents and for all the other foster parents who are on the frontlines...loving orphans...just as we are charged to do. God be with them all.

Amanda

What are my kids doing right now?!

2008-04-28T19:23:00.001-07:00

Michael and I went on a little trip this weekend to the Hill country. This was sort of our last trip together before our kids enter the picture. We went with some of our best friends to camp out at Enchanted Rock and then into Fredericksburg the second night at a B&B. It was way fun and a great time with friends. We had a blast! I was talking to my friend Lauren while we were away about the adoption stuff and she excitedly said, "I wonder what your kids are doing right now?". It was so funny to hear her say that she thinks about that too. It was funny and totally encouraging at the same time. I just love the fact that I am not bringing kids into just my life, but into so many other people's life as well, really amazing people. We have been so blessed with friends and family that are just as excited as we are to meet our kids. Since Lauren said that, I have thought about it even more often than before. What are they doing this very second?

Are they being naughty? Are they telling a joke? Is anyone laughing at their joke? Are they sad and lonely? Are they playing outside? Did they get a hug today? Do they love Dora or Diego? Are they in time out this very second? Are they sleeping peacefully? Do they feel well? Was somebody mean to them today? Do they know that Jesus loves them?

It's so weird to me that my kids are alive and running around somewhere and I have not even met them yet...so weird and so exciting. I can not even express how amazing it will be to meet them and begin to learn who they are. Who are they? What is their little personality like? I am such a people person. I love meeting people and asking them so many questions. I love how different we all are. I love it that we all have these hilarious quirks that make us who we are. I love watching people and learning more about them. I even love it when I meet people who are totally freaked out by someone like me who asks a million questions. That just makes me want to know even more about them. People are so interesting. I just plain love people! My kids, they are people too. I am going to be allowed the privilege of getting to know these particular people better than anyone else in the whole world. God has chosen them specifically for me to raise as my own. God loves me so much. Who has he chosen for me? What an amazing gift--to serve a God who knows each of us so intimately.

We recently saw the movie 'August Rush'. It's about a woman who had a baby and was told the baby died. She finds out after the boy is like 9 years old that the baby lived. She goes searching for him and eventually finds him. At first, I liked the movie, but didn't really feel I could relate at all. I mean I am not my kid's birth mom, you know. But yesterday I was thinking...my kids are out there in the world just like her kid was. And she had never met her kid, just like I have never met my kids. Not conceiving my kids, doesn't make them any less my kids than if I had conceived them. In God's economy, we are all His children. He just entrusts children to us as earthly fathers and mothers anyways. They are not ours, but His. A friend told me once, "They come from Him, whether He puts them in our arms or in our bellies. They come from Him."

So what are they doing right now anyway?...hopefully sleeping.

Update:

We are just finishing up our picture book for the kids and waiting on the call back to schedule our home study. We should hear this week. They are just waiting to hear back from the FBI about our fingerprints. Once the FBI clears us, they will schedule our home study. After they process the home study, we will be officially waiting. They will start trying to match us with some kiddos that very day! Whoa nelly, so soon! I can't wait!

The Death-Defying Drop

2008-04-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been on a roller coaster where you go up and down a few hills and in the back of your mind you start gripping the handles a little tighter, knowing that a big hill is just out of site? It's amazing how fast emotions changes. We are soooo excited knowing that God has picked out some kids just for us. We've been up and down some hills with the various trials of life (infertility, loneliness, insecurities). Little did we know that God had placed something like adoption in the path of our life, and I'm so grateful that He did. God's grace and timing is so amazing. If we were to stand in line and see the large death-defying drop we may have backed out of the line (at least I know I would have.) God in His mercy has used the ups-and-downs along the way to prepare us for adoption. My emotions are bouncing off the walls. It's been hard to sleep at night knowing that our kids are out there, and are probably going through the biggest death-defying drop of their life, in a much different way from us.

We are excited and anxious. /They are probably scared and fearful.
We're ready to have them in our home. /They don't know where home is anymore.
We worry about life's minimal decisions. /They're fighting for their lives.

God in His mercy and wisdom uses opposites to strengthen each other and minimize weaknesses. It's just like in marriage. Amanda is strong in areas that I'm weak in, and I'm strong in areas that Amanda is weak in. But together.....wow......we're dangerous. Our prayer is that we will compliment our children in the same way...providing what they need. We can look forward with confidence knowing how God has provided in the past. Like Paul, who when given the chance to speak, spoke boldy and confidently, often reciting God's provision for the nation of Israel and himself. He remembered his past and it helped him to be bold in his present. What confidence we can have, knowing that God has walked with us, carried us, and walks before us know.

Update:
-We have completed all the necessary paperwork and are lacking only fingerprinting, a homestudy and a picture book (to give to our agency, the state, and our kids.) We are hoping to have everything done by April 25th.

Things you can pray for:
-OUR KIDS!
-That are homestudy is complete before April 25th. We are going on a little weekend trip on April 25th, sort of our last trip together before parenthood. It would be amazing to be done with all of the hard stuff before then.
-Wisdom, patience, and rest as we wait on the Lord!

MK

Adoption....the story of our Christian Life

2008-03-26T17:43:00.000-07:00

The past couple of weeks I've spent a lot of time pondering the idea of adoption and what it represents. I guess in light of Easter and Christ's amazing gift it's hard not to think about our relationship with God and what it really means. I've heard it said time and again that adoption gives us understanding into our relationship with the Father. Sounds great but it's not something that can be easily grasped. It's like children that were raised in Urban areas and their understanding of the agricultural parables that Jesus told. It's hard to grasp the full concept and all that it entails when they've never been emerged in that world. I have found myself working through the idea of adoption. Being raised in a loving family with two parents and two brothers and a dog, it's hard for me to understand the full depth of adoption. I thank God that He allows us to get a glimpse of these concepts every now and then.

The thing that has really been on my heart is the idea of acceptance. The training we have received has been focused on loving the children and showing them unconditional love to establish a relationship with the children. That's the basis. Until basic needs are met it's foolish to focus on behavior...as behavior tends to be by-product of survival instincts. God accepts us as we are. He knows that are behaviors are a by-product of our sinful nature. That doesn't mean that He likes the behaviors, it just means that his relationship to us is more important than our actions. That's the starting ground.

Once that base is established then the behaviors can begin to be addressed. Through loving discipline and consequences He trains us to be more like Him. That's why we need a Savior. The old testament was written to show us the ultimate folly and behaviors of a sinful people. Christ came to establish a personal relationship in which the focus is on the relationship and not on all the legality. They taught us in the adoption training that behaviors will go away as the faith and security in the relationship grows. This means, as we draw close to God and realize that He supplies all our needs then we are able to grow in Him...we want to do right not because we're told to, but because we want to honor our Heavenly Father.

The process of acceptance and then discipline seems so tolerant....short term. If the goal is for a short term fix then stern discipline is the solution....short term. If the goal is for a healthy relationship, then it's important for both parties to spend time building the relationship. After the relationship is established, the discipline doesn't come from a strict dictator but from a loving Father. Perhaps that is why the 'Hellfire and Brimstone' sermons do so well in the short term but fail in the long term. They focus on the discipline and not the relationship. Jesus came so that we could have a relationship with our heavenly Father. My pastor always says, "He loves us to much to leave us the way we are." Thank God that He loves us enough to begin a relationship with us...because after all...it's all about Him.

M.K.

Brain overload!

2008-03-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

So, I got up Sunday morning and went straight to the kitchen to take my thyroid medicine. Somewhere along the way, they discovered I have thyroid problems. Anyways, I always take my thyroid medicine right when I get up in the morning because I have to wait an hour before I eat. Eating breakfast, for me, is a non-negotiable. I need all of the nourishment I can get to keep up with those crazy kids!
I keep my medicine on my kitchen counter, all 5 bottles of it. I take as many pills as my grandparents these days! For some strange reason I decided to read all of my pill bottles Sunday morning and I discovered that I have been taking some of my medicine wrong for almost 2 months! When they diagnosed me with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) they put me on metformin, which is a diabetes medicine....don't ask. I just take the medicine. Anyways, I was supposed to take 1 pill a day for the first week, and then go up to 2 pills a day the second week, and then 3 pills a day the third week. So basically, I have been taking 1 pill a day for 2 months, instead of increasing like I was supposed to. When I made this discovery, I did the only thing I could...ran into the bedroom and woke my sweet husband up. I was so upset and annoyed at myself. The sad thing is that I have been oh-so-proud of myself for remembering to take all of my medicine everyday. All of my pride was a farse! I messed up my medicine again!
Ughhhhhh! This scheduling and medicine taking and paperworking and errand-running and regular jobbing and trying to maintain a normal "healthy" lifestyling is making me crazy! I feel like my brain cells are being eaten alive...eaten alive by the infertility monster!
Oh well, what can you do? I am starting the 2 pill a day thing. Please pray that I remember to go to 3 pills a day next Sunday (Easter). And I guess I can turn up some loud music and dance! That's always a great alternative to screaming at the top of my lungs! We devised a paperwork plan tonight. I have to implement it tomorrow. The ridiculous errand-running will commence tomorrow at 9am. I have my list ready and then it's off to work. Gotta get ready for Good Friday and Easter services! Good thing God is in control! Lord, help me focus tomorrow at work and provide me with amazing help Friday and Sunday with the kids. And don't let me forget in all of my madness that there are little children coming this weekend that I am charged to love and teach the gospel to. Also, Lord, I really want to sit in service on Sunday with my brother and sister-in-law. That's right people...Mayson will be in the house on Sunday! My fiery, little, red-headed niece is sure to liven things up a bit!
Love you guys,
Amanda

Clover, it's like she knows

2008-03-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

Clover is my furry baby, my sweet pup. She gets me, like no one can. We got Clover in January 2006. She was so good for me. I was just starting to peek my head out of the hole I had put myself in when we brought her home. One of my biggest struggles in the beginning of this infertility thing was getting out of bed in the morning. I fought so hard to get up every morning, but my body was fighting against me. And then when I would give in and sleep longer, I would feel so guilty. I would beat myself up all day long for sleeping so late. Here's a hint: It's not good to beat yourself up over anything. It only makes things worse. If I could have only allowed myself to sleep in every now and then without feeling so guilty maybe I would have been able to get up the next day. I perpetuated that problem for sure.
One of the other things about me was that I was a clean freak, not a neat freak, a clean freak. There is a huge difference. As many of you know, puppies can not hold it for very long, and since I was so not okay with Clover relieving herself in my house, i would get up and let her out. When she had done her business I would want to go back to bed, but her cute little puppy self would make me smile. One sweet look from her and I was up and at 'em. She needed me. I think I needed to be needed.
I was not alone anymore. She became my jogging buddy...my riding in the car buddy...my cleaning the house buddy...my reading buddy. She was always doing whatever I was doing. And when I got home at night and Michael was in class until late, Clover was there to greet me. That's the great thing about dogs. They are so excited to see you, everyday, it never fails.
And sometimes I talk to Clover, sounds so crazy, I know. It's kind of like talking to yourself, but it's way better because you actually get a response from something. Clover totally turns her head and trys to make out what I am saying. She's probably listening for Sit, Stay, Come, Down, Kennel, or No because that's pretty much the extent of her vocabulary, but it's just the fact that she really wants to listen to me...so cute! She perks her ears up. She gets excited if I sound excited. She lays her head on my lap when I am quiet. She knows her momma.
I know it sounds like the most ridiculous thing in the world to most of you, but this dog helped me get over the hump and get back to life! And now we are best friends! ha/ha
P.S. Michael and I finished our last training day on Saturday. We are finishing up our paperwork this week. Because of Spring Break I get some extra time off, but I started not feeling so great Sunday afternoon. I think I have some kind of virus, my stomach is not okay right now. Hopefully I will feel better soon. I have work to do!

Moving Forward

2008-03-04T18:05:00.001-08:00

Well, we got this blog thing so that we could keep everyone updated, so here goes. This last week we have been up to our eyeballs in paperwork. Our goal is to have everything done by March 15th, which is our last training date. We are a little overwhelmed, but just tonight while I was baking Michael a cake (he needed a cake...or maybe I needed a cake) he exclaimed from the dining room table that he was "motoring through the paperwork". I think that means that it is going a lot faster than he expected, and so we are encouraged once again. God is good for that. He takes us to our breaking point and then He reminds us that with Him we can do anything. Not only do we have to fill out mounds of paperwork, but we are required to get a home inspection, a fire inspection, a doctor's evaluation, fingerprinting done, and to read a couple of books. We have about 2 weeks to do all of these things...it's totally possible!

The kid's room is almost done...just a few minor details left. I am going to make some pillow covers and curtains. I have a few crafty friends who are going to help me. Oh, and I want to paint a verse up above the bunkbeds. I think I have settled on Psalm 9:1, "I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders." Maybe I have some steady-handed, crafty-painter friends who can help me do that.

I just learned how to cross-stitch! I love it, by the way, only a little distracting from everything I should be doing, but then again maybe that is a coping mechanism. I am good at creating distractions. Aren't we all!

Can I just say that we have been overwhelmed by all of your support and encouragement! Michael and I sort of kept this whole adoption thing on the down-low for like a year. We wanted this decision to be between us and God. I am so glad we did that, but when we made the decision, we were nervous to tell everyone. Well, yet again, we had no reason to be nervous! We are so excited to share all of this with all of you! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your love and support!

A whisper...

2008-02-25T17:55:00.000-08:00

A whisper....that's how it begins. It's something in the back of your conscience that is easy to ignore. Does it really matter if you acknowledge the whisper? Perhaps it was something mumbled during your day, or perhaps the whisper had been waiting for such a time and place to be heard. I once read, 'God whispers to us'. Simple enough. He doesn't choose to yell over the noise, but rather sits and whispers. His whisper may be correction or it may be instruction, but one thing is for certain...those words were meant for that person. Perhaps that is why He doesn't yell...he wants it to be an intimate conversation, not a public discussion. For the past year and a half Amanda and I have been listening to a whisper from God. His sweet words are refreshing and encouraging. His words speak of hope and joy. His words give wisdom and provide peace.

So what happens when you listen to a whisper? For one thing your ears become more sensitive. Just as a little child leans in to hear a story from his grandfather, so too we have leaned in to listen for His direction. His words become louder and more definitive. Words that re-affirm the calling of our souls. Adoption...a word that seemed so foreign has become the calling of our hearts. To love children the way that Christ has loved us by adopting us into his family.

We are confident of this calling...not because of our own ability but because of the sovereign God who knows us personally and who has prepared us adequately for His calling. Our job....continue to listen to the whisper.